Ready To Smile Again

I do believe it’s time to start smiling again. I can’t say that I've been “unhappy” per se, but I have felt disconnected from certain people and areas in my life. However, I can say with confidence and reassurance that June is turning out to be a very good month; quite possibly the best since the start of 2014.  In fact, astrologist Susan Miller – who I adore very much - did put it best in this month’s Gemini Horoscope,“You have just come through two very tough months, April and the subsequent pressures of May . . . you need a month to sort out all that has happened in recent weeks, so plan to take a step back, and take the necessary time to make sense of what is happening in your life now.”  

So, I think now is an appropriate time to reevaluate where I want to go and what I'd like to accomplish from now until the end of 2014. Just the other day I wrote down some personal goals that I'd like to work on for the rest of the year: 1) lose 15 pounds - I've already lost about 10 since March and would feel even better about myself if I could continue on that path. 2) Be more active with my free time.  3) Take an actual, for-real vacation. I've been wanting to have a getaway for a while, so now I'm definitely going to make it happen.

In the past several weeks I've definitely felt the emergence of my old self starting to rush out again, and just because there are things that are going well in my life - some areas I still need to work on.

Social:  This week has been a reflection of what my life was like back in 2011 and 2012. I've had plans EVERY DAY after work; dinner with friends, going to events where I know absolutely no one – only to find that I have a lot in common with these strangers - who have now become my acquaintances.

C'est la vie: "That's Life!" I need to stop breaking my own heart. That sounds silly but it's true. I haven't been very kind to myself lately and this is due to the residual mess that comes with a break-up. Most days it's OK. I don't think of him in the morning. I don't dwell on the hurt. I'm not longing for the past because the realization is that since the breakup I'm more relaxed and have experienced some of the best times of my life. But even though months have passed it's not always that easy because it still hurts sometimes. On those days, I find it's easy to be swallowed up in the sadness and all that confidence I had days ago comes crashing down, and the thoughts don't seem to want to stop - "You lied to me." "You caused me pain." "I'm angry with you." "I'll never forgive you." "I miss you." "I want you back." "I want our life back." But then the realization sets in that I'm only hurting MYSELF because, well  . . . I'm the only causality. I've stayed alone on this roller coaster for several months in hopes that maybe with just one single word, the ride would come to a halt. Alas, it hasn't. So it's time to get off the ride and say, "C'est la vie". I need to stop hurting myself.  To be honest, as much as his silence pains me, I respect his decision because it would be worse if there was contact. There would be more confusion. So, I'm working on having similar willpower.    

Hobbies: Some of my passions and hobbies are starting to come back as well. I've been reading every night before bed which always helps my ever-racing mind to calm down, so I can actually get some sleep. However, these days I haven't been sleeping very well, I seem to wake up every night around 2:30a. At one point in my life I was reading a book every 2-3 weeks by just making sure I read at least 50 pages a day. When you think about it, that's not a lot of reading, maybe an hour or more? I'd like to make that a habit again. On days when it's still nice outside after work, I've either been going to the Metroparks for a walk or I've been relaxing by the pool. I've made it a goal to NOT waste time inside when the weather is so nice. This last winter was so brutal and gloomy that it would be a shame to let the summer go by without enjoying it's presence while it's still here. Because believe it not - the summer will be over before I know it.

I can't say I'm where I thought I would be when I rang in the New Year months ago, but I'm where I'm supposed to be. Connecting with people I'm meant to be with for one reason or another. I believe this quote to be true: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."  It's quite possible that someone is supposed to be in my life for a lifetime - it will just be spaced out during the appropriate times and seasons.  

Feels Like Home

 For the first time since March I feel like I’m finally coming back into myself.

marking my territory

I’m a little surprised it took me this long to start to feel normal again, and while I’m not 100% back to my old self I’d like to think for the most part I am.  Overall, I’m mostly OK.  I guess that’s all any of us can really hope for – that on most days we feel “generally OK” about things.  

I can’t really complain that much because my life has been exciting again. I've been going out more.  I've reconnected with some people in my life, who at one time really defined who I was - mainly the friend I have known the longest.  I’m laughing a lot more.  There are also a couple new people who seem understanding and patient, given the situation.   

I know that with time things will only continue to get better.  I've said this before and I’ll say it again – I've come back from a lot worse.  I suppose the plus side to having before experienced breakups is knowing that I’m pretty much going through the stages of loss/grief: 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Depression 4) Acceptance.  I can confidently say that the month of May has been the month of acceptance.  Thankfully it’s not over yet because I’m still working on it.

While the memories still talk to me from time to time, they have quieted down since moving out of the old apartment.  It’s so funny that I can’t even refer to that apartment as “my own” because for some time it wasn't just "mine".  However, in my new place, I’m starting to feel at home again. It feels like me. Each day it’s becoming the the space where I can see myself growing and experiencing the life I want to live. At the core, I basically know what I want in my life and I have to say I’m on the right path to getting it. I think that’s why things fell apart earlier this year … we weren't on the right path with each other, and I may have been pushing my own direction while neglecting where his was taking him. 

being handy

Part of what made this move so monumental (I guess that's the word I would use?) is that I felt like an adult.  It's funny thinking about this because just the other day I was saying to a friend - who is in their late 30's - it might be true what they say about your thirties being the best decade because I’m definitely finding that to be true … even though I’m just about to turn 31. 

Anyway, what I think made this move different was realizing that the life I had in the old apartment was just that ... "old"! It was cathartic to get rid of part of that past life. There were things I had from my childhood bedroom, when throwing away, felt good to finally let go of. Other things I kept in a small box that is now in the second bedroom closet - a little out of sight, but not ready to part with.

dinette

living room

When I moved into the last apartment, I bought all the furniture myself.  However this time around I've been able to decorate a little more appropriately with a larger budget than 5 years ago. While I still love all the pieces I own, having it placed in such a way makes it feel more homey. Plus it really does have a nice "zen" atheistic, if I don't say so myself.   

So, really this new space feels more like me than any other place I've been and I think that goes back to knowing who I am and only wanting to surround myself with things that will enrich my life and make me feel better

Overall I'd like to think I'm in a much better, brighter and happier place.  Things are definitely looking up for me as I round out another chapter and milestone - my 30th year.  If someone a year ago had told me what my 30th year would be like, I never would have believed them.  Coupled with that that, if someone six months ago would've told me I'd be where I'm at right now - I still wouldn't have believed them. However, everything truly does happen for a reason and the things I've gone through this year are experiences I'm thankful to have had and I'm thankful to have experienced such a great year with a very special person, who changed me for the better.  But as they say, that is all in the past.

Moving on to a new space, a new attitude and a new direction.  

New Beginning

I haven't written anything in a very looong time.  I know this time last year - actually more than a year ago, I said I would write more, but failed to keep that promise.  I can't even BEGIN to summarize all the changes that have taken place - both good and bad - between March 2013 and March 2014.  However, I did take some time today to look over this little blog of mine and I realized that once again, things haven't been so different.  It's not so much different seasons, just different surroundings. The major themes in my life are still the same, which I guess is good to know that a small piece of me still remains the same, during challenges and changes.

all packed

I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine with boxes surrounding me and a candle burning ... just thinking, almost on the verge of tears.  I'm both happy and sad to be moving.

I'm absolutely looking forward to a new "space".  I've needed a fresh start for a while now, so this might as well be it.  However, I'm also remembering all the "growing" that I did while living here.  Hell, it has been nearly 5 years of my life!  On the other hand, I'm looking forward to leaving the ghosts and memories behind even if they will remain with me, always and forever.  

I have very little documentation of my life over the last year and as someone who generally writes everything down, this may be the only place where I'll have an existing summary.  So ... quick summation.

The beginning of 2013 (February and March) brought a great new career opportunity into my life where I've grown so much professionally in just one year.  I'm working for an organization which is doing awesome things for people who are blind or living with low vision, and I work with (a few) people who are knowledgeable, energetic and a pleasure to be around.  I have to say that I fell into this position at the right time and the right place - I suppose all the stars aligned for me when this happened.  Some days are a challenge, but what job isn't, this is the real world right!? And if I didn't have a challenge and if it were the same every day - I would be BORED out of my mind.  Thankfully that is not the case.  

More good things came in 2013 (May - June - July).  I reconnected, after 12 years, with someone who has always been near and dear to my heart.  A childhood friend, who was quite possibly my first crush, my kiss and my first love ... all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into one human being.  Everything was perfect, almost as if it were "too good to be true", and maybe it was.  But the beginning of 2014 left us disjointed and questioning all that was happening in our "fairy tale" story.

So ... here I am. Trying to piece all the fallen pieces together.  

Don't get me wrong, I've been here before.  Its just never felt like this.  I truly do feel like a piece of me is broken and it cannot be fixed, no matter what I do.  I'm REALLY hoping that a new environment and living space will help, because honestly, some days I'll be sitting on the couch and just stare off into space, lost in some memory of when we'd laugh together in the kitchen or fight over bathroom time in the morning.  So ... being on my own for the last couple months has really been hard on me, I've tried to be away from home as much as possible.  

While I'm still hurt by everything that happened, I'm in a much better place.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about this.  I could very easily revert back to the guarded, angry, "ice-queen" phase in my my life, which I think I've referred to before in this blog.  However I can't do that, it's not fair to me or even the next person I meet.

Re-reading some entries earlier today I was reminded of how I've always questioned who "wins" when I'm guarded?  Is it really me?  Do I REALLY "win" by keeping people out? No, not at all. Is it healthy to be so independent, to really say that you're better off alone?  I don't think so.  I think it's more selfish to live that way and I'm reminded of what my Aunt has always told me after a breakup ... "keep your heart open."  And I will do just that. I know that something really good will come out of this because I now know what true love is - and maybe it wasn't right with us, but it was real.  I can honestly say I've never felt love like that before and if I have an opportunity to feel it again with someone else or someone I don't even know, then I look forward to that moment.  I'm looking forward to feeling just like a little girl again - excited about dates and kisses and everything that is supposed to give me butterflies.  I will not shut that out because I do deserve that.

When I started to write this blog entry I was thinking about how nothing has changed.  How I continue to invest in people and love people who don't love me as much ... how I'm alone ... how I'm more independent and more like "myself" because I'm alone.  But, after typing all these thoughts and feelings out I'm realizing I've grown a LOT more than I had originally thought.  I mean, am I still hurt? Yes.  Am I still finding myself giving more than what's given to me?  yes.  But I also think that's who I am ... I'm sensitive, so I feel more than other people.  I want to please everyone around me, so I'll do anything to make them happy.   Therefore, in the end ... that's just part of my make-up and that won't ever change. But my reaction to how I deal with these life situations, that can change and I see that it has.  

The past couple months I have delayed the "moving on" phase in hopes that something would happen, I really do hold onto every last ounce of hope.  However, in the last week I'd have to say that perspective has changed.  I'm OK with how things are.  We'll all eventually end up where we're meant to be and I know for me ... that means I'll be in a new space in less than a month and I'm really looking forward to that.

A true New Beginning.

So, I think it's time to delete this chapter and blog ... with hopes of opening a new one in the future.

Until then  ... I leave you with my "every day / feel good songs" (similar to my  "Roy Wood - Songs of Praise", circa 2010)

They don't need to see me crying

I'll get my little black dress on

And if I put on my favorite song

I'm gonna dance until you're all gone 

I'll get my little dress on

You came, lifted me up but then you dropped a hurricane

Now I'm fighting to find the ground again, to steady my feet 

Get up off my knees and just remember

That I am more than just somebody's puppet

I can find the cord and then I'll cut it

I stand a pretty good chance to dust myself off and dance  

Sara Barellies - Little Black Dress

Happy - Pharrell

  

Five Friday Fundamentals

In an attempt to start resurrecting my blog, I’m creating a new subset of recurring posts called Five Friday Fundamentals.  This is an effort to succinctly provide an overall snapshot of certain aspects of my week and/or daily life.

So here is the first installment of Five Friday Fundamentals and a glimpse into my world, at the moment.

 i. Listening:  Chris Pureka.  Especially the song 3 a.m, from her album Driving North. I must have cried every time I listened to it, when I first began listening to her. She is very similar to Patty Griffin, who I have adored for a very long time. Chris Pureka is folky, expressive and the lyrics are so hauntingly beautiful. “Oh, and these things I just want to tell you still, but you stopped listening, oh well, didn’t you? So maybe I should go get lost, or maybe I should go get drunk, or maybe I should just forget about you".
 ii. Reading:  I’m between books.
 iii. Wearing:  I’m brightening up my little corner of the world with this top in bright yellow from Banana Republic and a colorful scarf, with skinny jeans and nude pumps. I truly am loving and appreciating casual Fridays.    
iv. Watching:  These days I’ve been obsessed with Dr. Oz and The Dick Van Dyke Show, which despite it being so very ‘60s, the show is still smart and funny. Here’s an interesting blurb on the portrayal of feminism in the show. My Dick Van Dyke Show obsession goes back to December when I developed a huge crush on the adorably funny, Rob Petrie – any guy who can make laugh, will win my heart. For this reason, I think I need to date a comedian.

 v. Wanting:  To get my hair done … I'm in need for another change.

FYI - Coming Soon! A real blog entry … I promise.

No Expectations in 2012

Before I moved out on my own I had a vision of owning a variety of the colored portraits of Andy Warhol with different quotes.  I loved the idea of having these colorful pictures hanging on the walls of my apartment.  In fact, when I did finally move out they were right at the top of the list to purchase . . . but sadly never bought.

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~ Andy Warhol

I first saw these when I was about 24 years old and for a while this one was my favorite one.  No, not just because it's pink (and believe it or not - one of my favorite colors) but because at the time this quote spoke to me.  I have always thought of myself as someone waiting for something - what, I don't exactly know - but I always thought how lovely it would feel when it finally did arrive.  As if a feeling of completeness would take over.  Lately I've been struggling with feeling incomplete.  I think this is a feeling that I've dealt with most of my life - it just came with my DNA.  It's kind of like your skin - its always a part of you, and yet you never really think about it.  

I no longer believe this quote to be true.  In fact, as of the end of December 2011 and moving into the year 2012, my motto and mantra have been "no expectations."  I've hurt myself too many times with wanting and/or waiting for something to happen, and realizing that it never will.  I admit that I do sometimes expect big things from people in my life and maybe having these expectations is what causes me to feel so shitty when they don't actually come true.  This exact instance happened at the end of 2011 and that was when I made the resolution-slash-mantra-slash-life-lesson to make the year 2012 the year of "no expectations."

Other things I'm working on include (but not limited to):

LEARN TO SAY NO
This isn't as much of a problem anymore as it used to be.  However, as a perpetual people pleaser, I never want to feel as though I'm letting someone down.  While I pride myself in being a good friend/daughter/employee/sister/cousin/etc., at some point boundaries need to be set and I'm getting to that place right now.  Like I mentioned previously - this used to be a bigger issue years ago when I never said "no" to anyone or anything, but gradually that fear of hurting others or causing conflict has diminished, and I feel more confident about respecting myself and my own capabilities.

EMBRACE WHAT YOU LOVE

This is a biggie for me.  I feel we all need to clear out more room to let love into our lives. This includes getting rid of things and people that you don't love and/or don't love you, and surround yourself in things that make you feel "at home".  I do love many things and just recently I've made it a priority to do what I love and to divulge in it fully.  I'm that kind of person who gets bored easily and sometimes when I start a project or hobby I generally end up quitting and it sits there unfinished.  However, I notice when I participate in doing the things I "love" - I feel prouder and better about myself.  Even the little things have helped in this effort.  I love to write - so I've been making more of an effort to write every day.  I would actually like to start using this blog as more of an outlet for my creativity, but every time I say I'm going to blog more, I never do - again with the "i get bored easily" trait.  I love to read - last year I made a goal of reading 50 pages a day.  I didn't really stick to that as  diligently as possible, but I did end up finishing the year with having read 26 books (roughly a book every 2 weeks).  This year I intend to do the same and maybe even read more! - I clearly have no life.  Finally, I love to listen to music - it calms me, it's an outlet when I can't express myself in ways that I would like to - so I try to surround myself with music as much as possible throughout the day.  Coupled with this, I love to dance - I dance in my apartment, alone, by myself, quiet often  . . .sort of along the lines of this clip right here  . . . (but minus the pom-poms - although I'm sure I still have my old ones somewhere at my parents house.)

"JUST BE YOU "
This might seem like a "no duh" kind of goal, but it's something that I remind myself to do every day. . . . "just be you. . . you don't have to be anyone but yourself . . and that is enough."  In fact, I have that as a sticky note on my bathroom mirror, along with another one that says "it was passion, not love." (but that's another story - maybe another entry?)  Anyway . . . I sometimes need  to remind myself that not everyone is going to like everything about me and that I don't need to always be doing things for other people.  I shouldn't be wasting energy or putting feelings and emotions where it isn't deserved or respected.  It's OK to do things my own way, to be a little different, to make mistakes, to fall down, to get back up just to screw it all up then to try and fix it again, and again, and again.  This is all part of growing and evolving, right?

Finally - for your listening pleasure . . . just discovered this gem today. 

Favorite Fictional Females: Katarina Stratford

This evening while I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite TV shows, The Gilmore Girls, I was thinking about all the fictional female characters that I identify with, admire, and pretty much have a girl-crush on. So, I was going to post all of them together, but decided to pay homage to each of them separately.

I'm not going to lie, I adore the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. For years I would ask for this movie as a present for either my birthday or Christmas, yet I still don't own it. You would think by now I'd just buy the damn movie for myself, since it's probably like less than ten bucks.  However, I'm now wondering if I don't love it as much as I think I do, or possibly I don't want to ruin my nostalgia with it.

I remember years ago one of my cousins telling me that I reminded her of Kat.  Maybe because she's a feminist, hates high school, loves music and drives a vintage car?  Who knows?  But I'm definitely not as tough or bad-ass as Kat, although I do love her strong character and can identify with her uniqueness and being unafraid to stand up for who she is. Maybe that's what my cousin was referring to with me?

I love that she's sarcastic . . . "I want you, I need you. Oh, baby. Oh, baby." 

She's opinionated and will speak what's on her mind.

Kat:  Romantic?  Hemingway? He was an abusive alcoholic, misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers. 

Joey:  As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous hag who has no friends?

Kat:  I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.  What about Sylvia Plath, or Charlotte Bronte, or Simone de Beauvior? 

Patrick:  What'd I miss?

Kat:  The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.

And here is Kat casually and adorably reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. One of my very favorite books, too. 

I can identify with her commitment to being herself and not following the crowd.  This is something that I've worked extremely hard at through the years.  It's taken me a long time (longer than I'd like to admit) to learn to love myself for who I am and it's finally good to be at a place where I can say, "I don't have to be like you.  I'm me and if you don't like me for who I am or the person I've become, then that's not my fault."

Lastly, Kat is not like most of her female peers who are boy-obsessed.  While she does get involved with Patrick in the end, she makes it clear throughout most of the movie that she doesn't need to be rescued.  I love this for many reasons.  I float between the extremes of needing/wanting someone in my life and then not wanting anyone at all because "I'm independent and I don't 'need' anyone."  It really depends on the day and how I'm feeling.  Most days I could care less about having a relationship or someone in my life because it just causes heartache and I'm tired of feeling rejected (this goes back to the whole trying to love myself thing.  It's hard when people keep finding things wrong with you.)  It's such a vicious cycle - you get close with someone, you get burned, and then you put the walls up again.  Who am I really protecting?  Me or am I keeping people from getting too close to me?  Probably both. It's a struggle that I've dealt with for years.   Just last night I had a thought that I'm probably better off alone because I can be hard to handle at times - kinda like Kat.    

Pearl of the Stars

" . . . I'd give you everything if only I'd have known you'd take it. But you don't, 'cause you're you . . . "

I currently have this song on repeat.

I don't even know why I'm listening to it because it only makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely and depressed and etc., etc., etc. I guess sometimes I just like to wallow in my own misery. I suppose that makes me a masochist, right?

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to people for why I am the way I am and I definitely have a fragile confidence. The feelings of inadequacy and inferiority have consumed me for longer than I can remember –I’ve never been good enough for myself or my expectations. So, as a rule, I stay guarded for a long time before trusting anyone. When I feel like I can let my guard down is usually the time when things don’t work out, and I always end up regretting ever opening up in the first place. It’s such a vicious cycle: being guarded, then opening up, getting hurt and then being guarded again. Is there any other way? I’ve been let down a lot in the past and while I know that not everything is decided on what has previously happened, I always try to learn from mistakes and change the way I deal with hurt feelings.


This past week has been really strange – old ghosts have been popping up everywhere.

If it’s not through Facebook then it’s through emails or text messages. Is Venus retrograde right now?!? Because that’s usually the time when past relationships and old flames resurface – (note to self: Google this).

I’m not usually OK with the “checking in” on people from the past, and this is probably because I’m very all or nothing. I see things in black and white – especially when it comes to relationships. For example, either we’re in one or we’re not; either you like me or you don’t; either I’m going to invest feelings in you or I’m not; either I’m going to get attached or I’m not. Plain and simple. Therefore, if you don’t like me then tell me, so I don’t invest feelings in you or get attached to you. This is just how I’ve taught myself to be over the years. Some people have referred to me as a “bitch” and “cold” – while it appears that I’m “cold-hearted”, it’s really just my defense mechanism. In essence, I’m really just too emotional to “revisit” old relationships because I’m the type of person who will hang on to every last thread of hope and possibility if there were still a chance. This can be unhealthy and extreme, but I’ve spent too many years of my adult life hanging on to lost causes, so this is the alternative – move on, let go, don’t look back because there’s a reason why things didn’t work out in the first place.

I wish I would’ve been cognizant of this last week before doing what I did. Usually, I try not to let my heart rule my head, but this time that didn’t work. I was feeling lonely and misunderstood, so I went back to what used to be “comfortable” for me, thinking that I could change the past, reconnect with a person I used to date, who I think didn’t get the chance he deserved because of other problems at the time, and repair what we once had. It turns that we actually can return to people in our past, but it’s rarely a good idea. Especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and needy – again, I just want to go back to last week and redo everything I did. I hate being vulnerable and weak, and letting people know that you “miss them” or that you “would like to see them”. Barf. They just take advantage of their position and use it against you – usually as some sort of vindication. Trust me, I’ve been there - I know how these games work. So, in the end, I ended up feeling even more rejected then when it all began.

Ugh.

I’m totally just rambling and my thoughts aren’t even making sense.

This time last year, I was dating a guy and he basically told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was ready to fall in love with someone. At the time, this freaked me out and made me nervous. However, during my time of reflection, I thought about him and how everything came so naturally with us.  He always made me laugh.  We could relax, chill and smoke with a bottle of wine . . . basically, just let loose.  To this day I can't hear a Coheed and Cambria  song without thinking about him . . . he was someone I felt safe with and I miss how easy it was to be with him - hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?. But at that time I was on an emotional roller coaster due to other things going on in my life and I felt I couldn’t give him what he deserved – or the love he was so open to giving me. I just couldn’t do it. In January we started dating again. After getting me roses for Valentine's Day and taking me to dinner, we got into the car and he played "Wake Up" by Coheed and said, "this is totally cheesy, but I can't help it." We stopped talking again because of reasons that I will never be able to justify or explain to him. I knew he was hurt and over the summer I sent him a FB message with the link to "wake up" and all he said was, "good song."

And now . . . this all brings us to what took place this past week when I reached out to him again. I don't know what it is about this particular guy, but he makes me break all of my rules. The third time is definitely not a charm, and I got what I deserved and expected. He said he wants to see me too, but just as friends. That's sweet.

In the end, we all get what we deserve.

" . . . So leave yourself intact 'cause I won't be coming back, in a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you . . . "

dysfunction

I’m having a rough time with things and I’m really hurting today.

The weather fits my mood.

I have always put faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, the past couple months I've felt as though I’m falling down this dark hole and it’s getting more and more difficult to dig myself out.

I’ve always had difficulty opening up to people and there are way too many reasons for why I’m guarded. But that's beside the point. Today I’m hurting because I recently made myself vulnerable again. I invested feelings where I normally wouldn’t have, I extended invitations to events that I would've much rather gone to alone - and will be going alone anyway, regardless. However, that’s not the point. The point is, while my old ways of dealing with emotions and love are unhealthy (I’ll be the first to admit), it’s far better than the alternative and what I’m feeling now.

I’ve always thought the following quote by Marilyn Monroe was fitting even though it suggests a very lonely and depressing existence:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Well, I didn’t do that this time . . . I kissed, believed and I was left. I know that there may have been circumstances beyond my control or things weren’t going the way that I had seen them going, but either way it still kinda sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. And I’ve been wearing this shoe for a long time.

People in my life have a hard time believing that guys don’t want to date me and when I try to explain that I'm "different", they think I'm exaggerating. But I know I'm not. Plus, due to recent events - apparently there really IS something different about me that isn't appealing.  This time I felt comfortable being "me" and it still didn't work. I think I’m running out of options. I suppose I need a new technique. This time it felt oddly "right", but maybe that's because I wanted it to be be right . . . who knows?

I guess I’m just having a hard time deciphering all these thoughts (let alone the recent develops that have taken place in the past 2 days) and needed to get it all out.

In the end, it’s all dysfunctional anyway, right?

resurrected

It's been nearly a year and while so much has transpired, reading these previous posts, I realize that I haven't changed much. That's reassuring and startling at the same time. I always feel like I'm this ever-changing being, but I've come to accept the person I am with each passing day and with each experience.

". . . I've never known the lovin' of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand . . ."

This song resonates with me at the moment.

A very sweet friend left me a card on my desk this morning and inside she wrote the following quote:

"Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others? We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we are deserving of love. We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too. To be who we are means to accept our past - our history - exactly as it is. To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions, our beliefs, and our mistakes - for the present moment and subject to changes. We accept our limitations and our strengths. To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are means we take acceptance on step further. Being who we are, loving, and accepting ourselves is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change." - From The Language of Letting Go - Daily Motivations

my relationship with music

I've always considered myself to be a bit different than a lot of people I know. Not in the "I'm a real weirdo" kind of way, but partly because I'm a little complex and it's particularly difficult finding people to relate to. Even when I was younger I felt as though I didn't relate to a lot of my peers even though I had a lot of friends. I have vivid memories from when I was probably 8 or 9 years old, sitting in the woods in my backyard with a notebook writing about God knows what.  In junior high, I would spend hours in my room listening to music and memorizing lyrics, specifically every word to Don McLean's "american pie". To this day I know every word to this song because I listened to it on repeat making sure I deciphered each word exactly right. I never felt "alone" even though I may have been physically alone because I had the comfort of music and words. I would write stories and poems (which I still have) and listen to music on repeat and identify with the lyrics.

That girl is who I still resonate with to this day. She is still at the core of who I really am.
For as long as I can remember music has seriously helped me get through my days. From a young age I have always used music as a way to understand and feel connected to my thoughts and feelings. The first thing I do when I wake up, after starting the coffee, is I turn on music. Lately, I've chosen to listen to "Take to the Sky" or "Secret Spell" by Tori Amos, or on particularly slow-moving mornings "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles. Music helps me concentrate. It motivates me. It calms me down

I think my love for music has a lot to do with having a Dad as a DJ growing up. Music was always at my disposal since he started collecting vinyl when he was a teenager and continued to buy music through his career as a DJ. Growing up mostly anything I wanted to listen to he had available to me. I still hear stories about when I was baby, my Dad would play music when watching me and my sister, and we would just laugh and dance around the basement. As I got older this tradition has somewhat remained in tact. Some nights he and I will jam and listen to oldies - I just don't dance like I used to....well, sometimes I do, I'm not gonna lie. I swear my Dad is a walking musical encyclopedia. My favorite example was when I was driving home from work and I recognized a song on Magic 105.7 (a local Oldie's station) and I wanted to remember it so I could download it later. I of course forgot it, but I said to my Dad, "There's a song I heard on the radio, it's kinda slow-ish and I think there are three words in the title - C something C. Any idea?" My Dad quickly responds with "Crimson and Clover?" He was exactly right...just from my crappy description. He's pretty fantastic that way.

I'm like my father in the sense that I have A LOT of music, but I don't collect vinyl like he did growing up - I have CDs and mp3s. But it's still a similar hobby that we have in common.

This is my favorite scene from High Fidelity (besides the Bruce Springsteen scene) because I relate to is so much. I don't know how many times and how many hours have been spent organizing and then reorganizing my music. Like Rob says in this scene "it's comforting..."

But never have I organized my music autobiographically. Although in my early 20s I did try to keep a music diary as a way of remembering songs that I listened to at particular points in my life. I tried to go all the way back to elementary school...because yes, I still know that when I was 8 years old I used to make up dances to the song to "justified and ancient" by KLF. Anyway, the music journal/diary got all messy when I realized I was listening to a "2003 song" in 2009 for nostalgia purposes...how does one categorize that? Maybe as a re-visitation? I don't know...but, alas, the project fell through. Maybe I should consider resurrecting it.

so it begins

Not that there needs to be any explaining – but I would just like to state for the record that this is my 3rd blogging attempt over the last 5 years. One can only hope that the "third time’s a charm" theory actually applies...if not, mark this down as just another failed attempt. This time however, I’m going to stay positive because when I look back at my old blog (which, by the way, I deleted in order to revamp this new gem!) - I realized the timing was never right. Coupled with this, cult astrologist Susan Miller suggests that at the end of this month, a communication project will be highly creative for Geminis. So the timing is right, the stars have aligned...I suppose I'm giving the "third time's a charm" theory a run for its money!

Blog attempt numero uno was when I had just finished my undergraduate degree - circa 2006. I was full of fresh ideas and ambition, and honestly...I mostly had a lot of time on my hands since I was in that “what do I do now?” phase of my life. Then I started working and the blogging about the books I was reading, music I was listening to, movies I was watching, and the clothes I was wearing came to a halt.

Blog attempt numero dos should not even be referred to as an attempt. In fact, I think it would be more appropriate to categorize it as a pseudo blogging attempt. I had just finished my Master’s Degree (circa 2009) and my brain was fried after writing my thesis and the first thing I wanted to do was pick up a non-school related book, since I hadn’t read anything that wasn’t school related in about 2 years. This quasi attempt was successful until I realized that not only did I not want to read a thesis or school related book - I didn't want to read AT ALL!! My eyes were going to pop out of my head and my brain was mush and all I kept thinking was - "how can I blog about books if I'm not reading any?"

And that brings us to blog attempt numero tres, which I’m hoping is the most successful, partly because it's not coinciding with some academic time in my life. I’d like to think that this is the perfect timing because I’m settled with my job and my life (for the most part), and I’m not so overwhelmed that it wouldn’t be too difficult to post a little something each day (well, actually it will more likely be a couple times a week or a couple times a month...because, come on, let’s be realistic – I don’t want to start making promises I can’t keep!).

Most of the blogs I’ve read always say something like “this blog will be about me talking about...insert: my cats, my kids, my diet, being a mom, being a feminist, books, movies, music, fashion, being a democrat, being a republican, knitting, sports, taking pictures of myself and pretending I'm a model, cars, etc, etc, etc”. This blog might just encompass all these things, well..except for the kids, cats, cars, being a mom, taking pictures of myself and pretending I'm a fashion model, and being a republican. I’d like to think that I could somehow narrow down what may be posted here – buuuut I can’t. I like too many things (and HATE too many things) to be that specific. My mind races with random thoughts constantly, so it would be nonsense for me to specify what kind of blog this will become. Plus, I don't want to censor all that that fun stuff! In fact, I don’t want to put any limits on it and I’d like to think that I’ll end up surprising myself with the things that are written in here.

But here's what I can tell you...I do like books and music and fashion and making fun of reality TV. Oh, and I can also say that this will not be a diary, I have one of those already -- under my bed.

Stay tuned…