Ready To Smile Again

I do believe it’s time to start smiling again. I can’t say that I've been “unhappy” per se, but I have felt disconnected from certain people and areas in my life. However, I can say with confidence and reassurance that June is turning out to be a very good month; quite possibly the best since the start of 2014.  In fact, astrologist Susan Miller – who I adore very much - did put it best in this month’s Gemini Horoscope,“You have just come through two very tough months, April and the subsequent pressures of May . . . you need a month to sort out all that has happened in recent weeks, so plan to take a step back, and take the necessary time to make sense of what is happening in your life now.”  

So, I think now is an appropriate time to reevaluate where I want to go and what I'd like to accomplish from now until the end of 2014. Just the other day I wrote down some personal goals that I'd like to work on for the rest of the year: 1) lose 15 pounds - I've already lost about 10 since March and would feel even better about myself if I could continue on that path. 2) Be more active with my free time.  3) Take an actual, for-real vacation. I've been wanting to have a getaway for a while, so now I'm definitely going to make it happen.

In the past several weeks I've definitely felt the emergence of my old self starting to rush out again, and just because there are things that are going well in my life - some areas I still need to work on.

Social:  This week has been a reflection of what my life was like back in 2011 and 2012. I've had plans EVERY DAY after work; dinner with friends, going to events where I know absolutely no one – only to find that I have a lot in common with these strangers - who have now become my acquaintances.

C'est la vie: "That's Life!" I need to stop breaking my own heart. That sounds silly but it's true. I haven't been very kind to myself lately and this is due to the residual mess that comes with a break-up. Most days it's OK. I don't think of him in the morning. I don't dwell on the hurt. I'm not longing for the past because the realization is that since the breakup I'm more relaxed and have experienced some of the best times of my life. But even though months have passed it's not always that easy because it still hurts sometimes. On those days, I find it's easy to be swallowed up in the sadness and all that confidence I had days ago comes crashing down, and the thoughts don't seem to want to stop - "You lied to me." "You caused me pain." "I'm angry with you." "I'll never forgive you." "I miss you." "I want you back." "I want our life back." But then the realization sets in that I'm only hurting MYSELF because, well  . . . I'm the only causality. I've stayed alone on this roller coaster for several months in hopes that maybe with just one single word, the ride would come to a halt. Alas, it hasn't. So it's time to get off the ride and say, "C'est la vie". I need to stop hurting myself.  To be honest, as much as his silence pains me, I respect his decision because it would be worse if there was contact. There would be more confusion. So, I'm working on having similar willpower.    

Hobbies: Some of my passions and hobbies are starting to come back as well. I've been reading every night before bed which always helps my ever-racing mind to calm down, so I can actually get some sleep. However, these days I haven't been sleeping very well, I seem to wake up every night around 2:30a. At one point in my life I was reading a book every 2-3 weeks by just making sure I read at least 50 pages a day. When you think about it, that's not a lot of reading, maybe an hour or more? I'd like to make that a habit again. On days when it's still nice outside after work, I've either been going to the Metroparks for a walk or I've been relaxing by the pool. I've made it a goal to NOT waste time inside when the weather is so nice. This last winter was so brutal and gloomy that it would be a shame to let the summer go by without enjoying it's presence while it's still here. Because believe it not - the summer will be over before I know it.

I can't say I'm where I thought I would be when I rang in the New Year months ago, but I'm where I'm supposed to be. Connecting with people I'm meant to be with for one reason or another. I believe this quote to be true: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."  It's quite possible that someone is supposed to be in my life for a lifetime - it will just be spaced out during the appropriate times and seasons.  

Feels Like Home

 For the first time since March I feel like I’m finally coming back into myself.

marking my territory

I’m a little surprised it took me this long to start to feel normal again, and while I’m not 100% back to my old self I’d like to think for the most part I am.  Overall, I’m mostly OK.  I guess that’s all any of us can really hope for – that on most days we feel “generally OK” about things.  

I can’t really complain that much because my life has been exciting again. I've been going out more.  I've reconnected with some people in my life, who at one time really defined who I was - mainly the friend I have known the longest.  I’m laughing a lot more.  There are also a couple new people who seem understanding and patient, given the situation.   

I know that with time things will only continue to get better.  I've said this before and I’ll say it again – I've come back from a lot worse.  I suppose the plus side to having before experienced breakups is knowing that I’m pretty much going through the stages of loss/grief: 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Depression 4) Acceptance.  I can confidently say that the month of May has been the month of acceptance.  Thankfully it’s not over yet because I’m still working on it.

While the memories still talk to me from time to time, they have quieted down since moving out of the old apartment.  It’s so funny that I can’t even refer to that apartment as “my own” because for some time it wasn't just "mine".  However, in my new place, I’m starting to feel at home again. It feels like me. Each day it’s becoming the the space where I can see myself growing and experiencing the life I want to live. At the core, I basically know what I want in my life and I have to say I’m on the right path to getting it. I think that’s why things fell apart earlier this year … we weren't on the right path with each other, and I may have been pushing my own direction while neglecting where his was taking him. 

being handy

Part of what made this move so monumental (I guess that's the word I would use?) is that I felt like an adult.  It's funny thinking about this because just the other day I was saying to a friend - who is in their late 30's - it might be true what they say about your thirties being the best decade because I’m definitely finding that to be true … even though I’m just about to turn 31. 

Anyway, what I think made this move different was realizing that the life I had in the old apartment was just that ... "old"! It was cathartic to get rid of part of that past life. There were things I had from my childhood bedroom, when throwing away, felt good to finally let go of. Other things I kept in a small box that is now in the second bedroom closet - a little out of sight, but not ready to part with.

dinette

living room

When I moved into the last apartment, I bought all the furniture myself.  However this time around I've been able to decorate a little more appropriately with a larger budget than 5 years ago. While I still love all the pieces I own, having it placed in such a way makes it feel more homey. Plus it really does have a nice "zen" atheistic, if I don't say so myself.   

So, really this new space feels more like me than any other place I've been and I think that goes back to knowing who I am and only wanting to surround myself with things that will enrich my life and make me feel better

Overall I'd like to think I'm in a much better, brighter and happier place.  Things are definitely looking up for me as I round out another chapter and milestone - my 30th year.  If someone a year ago had told me what my 30th year would be like, I never would have believed them.  Coupled with that that, if someone six months ago would've told me I'd be where I'm at right now - I still wouldn't have believed them. However, everything truly does happen for a reason and the things I've gone through this year are experiences I'm thankful to have had and I'm thankful to have experienced such a great year with a very special person, who changed me for the better.  But as they say, that is all in the past.

Moving on to a new space, a new attitude and a new direction.  

Pearl of the Stars

" . . . I'd give you everything if only I'd have known you'd take it. But you don't, 'cause you're you . . . "

I currently have this song on repeat.

I don't even know why I'm listening to it because it only makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely and depressed and etc., etc., etc. I guess sometimes I just like to wallow in my own misery. I suppose that makes me a masochist, right?

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to people for why I am the way I am and I definitely have a fragile confidence. The feelings of inadequacy and inferiority have consumed me for longer than I can remember –I’ve never been good enough for myself or my expectations. So, as a rule, I stay guarded for a long time before trusting anyone. When I feel like I can let my guard down is usually the time when things don’t work out, and I always end up regretting ever opening up in the first place. It’s such a vicious cycle: being guarded, then opening up, getting hurt and then being guarded again. Is there any other way? I’ve been let down a lot in the past and while I know that not everything is decided on what has previously happened, I always try to learn from mistakes and change the way I deal with hurt feelings.


This past week has been really strange – old ghosts have been popping up everywhere.

If it’s not through Facebook then it’s through emails or text messages. Is Venus retrograde right now?!? Because that’s usually the time when past relationships and old flames resurface – (note to self: Google this).

I’m not usually OK with the “checking in” on people from the past, and this is probably because I’m very all or nothing. I see things in black and white – especially when it comes to relationships. For example, either we’re in one or we’re not; either you like me or you don’t; either I’m going to invest feelings in you or I’m not; either I’m going to get attached or I’m not. Plain and simple. Therefore, if you don’t like me then tell me, so I don’t invest feelings in you or get attached to you. This is just how I’ve taught myself to be over the years. Some people have referred to me as a “bitch” and “cold” – while it appears that I’m “cold-hearted”, it’s really just my defense mechanism. In essence, I’m really just too emotional to “revisit” old relationships because I’m the type of person who will hang on to every last thread of hope and possibility if there were still a chance. This can be unhealthy and extreme, but I’ve spent too many years of my adult life hanging on to lost causes, so this is the alternative – move on, let go, don’t look back because there’s a reason why things didn’t work out in the first place.

I wish I would’ve been cognizant of this last week before doing what I did. Usually, I try not to let my heart rule my head, but this time that didn’t work. I was feeling lonely and misunderstood, so I went back to what used to be “comfortable” for me, thinking that I could change the past, reconnect with a person I used to date, who I think didn’t get the chance he deserved because of other problems at the time, and repair what we once had. It turns that we actually can return to people in our past, but it’s rarely a good idea. Especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and needy – again, I just want to go back to last week and redo everything I did. I hate being vulnerable and weak, and letting people know that you “miss them” or that you “would like to see them”. Barf. They just take advantage of their position and use it against you – usually as some sort of vindication. Trust me, I’ve been there - I know how these games work. So, in the end, I ended up feeling even more rejected then when it all began.

Ugh.

I’m totally just rambling and my thoughts aren’t even making sense.

This time last year, I was dating a guy and he basically told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was ready to fall in love with someone. At the time, this freaked me out and made me nervous. However, during my time of reflection, I thought about him and how everything came so naturally with us.  He always made me laugh.  We could relax, chill and smoke with a bottle of wine . . . basically, just let loose.  To this day I can't hear a Coheed and Cambria  song without thinking about him . . . he was someone I felt safe with and I miss how easy it was to be with him - hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?. But at that time I was on an emotional roller coaster due to other things going on in my life and I felt I couldn’t give him what he deserved – or the love he was so open to giving me. I just couldn’t do it. In January we started dating again. After getting me roses for Valentine's Day and taking me to dinner, we got into the car and he played "Wake Up" by Coheed and said, "this is totally cheesy, but I can't help it." We stopped talking again because of reasons that I will never be able to justify or explain to him. I knew he was hurt and over the summer I sent him a FB message with the link to "wake up" and all he said was, "good song."

And now . . . this all brings us to what took place this past week when I reached out to him again. I don't know what it is about this particular guy, but he makes me break all of my rules. The third time is definitely not a charm, and I got what I deserved and expected. He said he wants to see me too, but just as friends. That's sweet.

In the end, we all get what we deserve.

" . . . So leave yourself intact 'cause I won't be coming back, in a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you . . . "

dysfunction

I’m having a rough time with things and I’m really hurting today.

The weather fits my mood.

I have always put faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, the past couple months I've felt as though I’m falling down this dark hole and it’s getting more and more difficult to dig myself out.

I’ve always had difficulty opening up to people and there are way too many reasons for why I’m guarded. But that's beside the point. Today I’m hurting because I recently made myself vulnerable again. I invested feelings where I normally wouldn’t have, I extended invitations to events that I would've much rather gone to alone - and will be going alone anyway, regardless. However, that’s not the point. The point is, while my old ways of dealing with emotions and love are unhealthy (I’ll be the first to admit), it’s far better than the alternative and what I’m feeling now.

I’ve always thought the following quote by Marilyn Monroe was fitting even though it suggests a very lonely and depressing existence:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Well, I didn’t do that this time . . . I kissed, believed and I was left. I know that there may have been circumstances beyond my control or things weren’t going the way that I had seen them going, but either way it still kinda sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. And I’ve been wearing this shoe for a long time.

People in my life have a hard time believing that guys don’t want to date me and when I try to explain that I'm "different", they think I'm exaggerating. But I know I'm not. Plus, due to recent events - apparently there really IS something different about me that isn't appealing.  This time I felt comfortable being "me" and it still didn't work. I think I’m running out of options. I suppose I need a new technique. This time it felt oddly "right", but maybe that's because I wanted it to be be right . . . who knows?

I guess I’m just having a hard time deciphering all these thoughts (let alone the recent develops that have taken place in the past 2 days) and needed to get it all out.

In the end, it’s all dysfunctional anyway, right?