dysfunction

I’m having a rough time with things and I’m really hurting today.

The weather fits my mood.

I have always put faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, the past couple months I've felt as though I’m falling down this dark hole and it’s getting more and more difficult to dig myself out.

I’ve always had difficulty opening up to people and there are way too many reasons for why I’m guarded. But that's beside the point. Today I’m hurting because I recently made myself vulnerable again. I invested feelings where I normally wouldn’t have, I extended invitations to events that I would've much rather gone to alone - and will be going alone anyway, regardless. However, that’s not the point. The point is, while my old ways of dealing with emotions and love are unhealthy (I’ll be the first to admit), it’s far better than the alternative and what I’m feeling now.

I’ve always thought the following quote by Marilyn Monroe was fitting even though it suggests a very lonely and depressing existence:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Well, I didn’t do that this time . . . I kissed, believed and I was left. I know that there may have been circumstances beyond my control or things weren’t going the way that I had seen them going, but either way it still kinda sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. And I’ve been wearing this shoe for a long time.

People in my life have a hard time believing that guys don’t want to date me and when I try to explain that I'm "different", they think I'm exaggerating. But I know I'm not. Plus, due to recent events - apparently there really IS something different about me that isn't appealing.  This time I felt comfortable being "me" and it still didn't work. I think I’m running out of options. I suppose I need a new technique. This time it felt oddly "right", but maybe that's because I wanted it to be be right . . . who knows?

I guess I’m just having a hard time deciphering all these thoughts (let alone the recent develops that have taken place in the past 2 days) and needed to get it all out.

In the end, it’s all dysfunctional anyway, right?