Pearl of the Stars

" . . . I'd give you everything if only I'd have known you'd take it. But you don't, 'cause you're you . . . "

I currently have this song on repeat.

I don't even know why I'm listening to it because it only makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely and depressed and etc., etc., etc. I guess sometimes I just like to wallow in my own misery. I suppose that makes me a masochist, right?

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to people for why I am the way I am and I definitely have a fragile confidence. The feelings of inadequacy and inferiority have consumed me for longer than I can remember –I’ve never been good enough for myself or my expectations. So, as a rule, I stay guarded for a long time before trusting anyone. When I feel like I can let my guard down is usually the time when things don’t work out, and I always end up regretting ever opening up in the first place. It’s such a vicious cycle: being guarded, then opening up, getting hurt and then being guarded again. Is there any other way? I’ve been let down a lot in the past and while I know that not everything is decided on what has previously happened, I always try to learn from mistakes and change the way I deal with hurt feelings.


This past week has been really strange – old ghosts have been popping up everywhere.

If it’s not through Facebook then it’s through emails or text messages. Is Venus retrograde right now?!? Because that’s usually the time when past relationships and old flames resurface – (note to self: Google this).

I’m not usually OK with the “checking in” on people from the past, and this is probably because I’m very all or nothing. I see things in black and white – especially when it comes to relationships. For example, either we’re in one or we’re not; either you like me or you don’t; either I’m going to invest feelings in you or I’m not; either I’m going to get attached or I’m not. Plain and simple. Therefore, if you don’t like me then tell me, so I don’t invest feelings in you or get attached to you. This is just how I’ve taught myself to be over the years. Some people have referred to me as a “bitch” and “cold” – while it appears that I’m “cold-hearted”, it’s really just my defense mechanism. In essence, I’m really just too emotional to “revisit” old relationships because I’m the type of person who will hang on to every last thread of hope and possibility if there were still a chance. This can be unhealthy and extreme, but I’ve spent too many years of my adult life hanging on to lost causes, so this is the alternative – move on, let go, don’t look back because there’s a reason why things didn’t work out in the first place.

I wish I would’ve been cognizant of this last week before doing what I did. Usually, I try not to let my heart rule my head, but this time that didn’t work. I was feeling lonely and misunderstood, so I went back to what used to be “comfortable” for me, thinking that I could change the past, reconnect with a person I used to date, who I think didn’t get the chance he deserved because of other problems at the time, and repair what we once had. It turns that we actually can return to people in our past, but it’s rarely a good idea. Especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and needy – again, I just want to go back to last week and redo everything I did. I hate being vulnerable and weak, and letting people know that you “miss them” or that you “would like to see them”. Barf. They just take advantage of their position and use it against you – usually as some sort of vindication. Trust me, I’ve been there - I know how these games work. So, in the end, I ended up feeling even more rejected then when it all began.

Ugh.

I’m totally just rambling and my thoughts aren’t even making sense.

This time last year, I was dating a guy and he basically told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was ready to fall in love with someone. At the time, this freaked me out and made me nervous. However, during my time of reflection, I thought about him and how everything came so naturally with us.  He always made me laugh.  We could relax, chill and smoke with a bottle of wine . . . basically, just let loose.  To this day I can't hear a Coheed and Cambria  song without thinking about him . . . he was someone I felt safe with and I miss how easy it was to be with him - hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?. But at that time I was on an emotional roller coaster due to other things going on in my life and I felt I couldn’t give him what he deserved – or the love he was so open to giving me. I just couldn’t do it. In January we started dating again. After getting me roses for Valentine's Day and taking me to dinner, we got into the car and he played "Wake Up" by Coheed and said, "this is totally cheesy, but I can't help it." We stopped talking again because of reasons that I will never be able to justify or explain to him. I knew he was hurt and over the summer I sent him a FB message with the link to "wake up" and all he said was, "good song."

And now . . . this all brings us to what took place this past week when I reached out to him again. I don't know what it is about this particular guy, but he makes me break all of my rules. The third time is definitely not a charm, and I got what I deserved and expected. He said he wants to see me too, but just as friends. That's sweet.

In the end, we all get what we deserve.

" . . . So leave yourself intact 'cause I won't be coming back, in a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you . . . "