Feels Like Home

 For the first time since March I feel like I’m finally coming back into myself.

marking my territory

I’m a little surprised it took me this long to start to feel normal again, and while I’m not 100% back to my old self I’d like to think for the most part I am.  Overall, I’m mostly OK.  I guess that’s all any of us can really hope for – that on most days we feel “generally OK” about things.  

I can’t really complain that much because my life has been exciting again. I've been going out more.  I've reconnected with some people in my life, who at one time really defined who I was - mainly the friend I have known the longest.  I’m laughing a lot more.  There are also a couple new people who seem understanding and patient, given the situation.   

I know that with time things will only continue to get better.  I've said this before and I’ll say it again – I've come back from a lot worse.  I suppose the plus side to having before experienced breakups is knowing that I’m pretty much going through the stages of loss/grief: 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Depression 4) Acceptance.  I can confidently say that the month of May has been the month of acceptance.  Thankfully it’s not over yet because I’m still working on it.

While the memories still talk to me from time to time, they have quieted down since moving out of the old apartment.  It’s so funny that I can’t even refer to that apartment as “my own” because for some time it wasn't just "mine".  However, in my new place, I’m starting to feel at home again. It feels like me. Each day it’s becoming the the space where I can see myself growing and experiencing the life I want to live. At the core, I basically know what I want in my life and I have to say I’m on the right path to getting it. I think that’s why things fell apart earlier this year … we weren't on the right path with each other, and I may have been pushing my own direction while neglecting where his was taking him. 

being handy

Part of what made this move so monumental (I guess that's the word I would use?) is that I felt like an adult.  It's funny thinking about this because just the other day I was saying to a friend - who is in their late 30's - it might be true what they say about your thirties being the best decade because I’m definitely finding that to be true … even though I’m just about to turn 31. 

Anyway, what I think made this move different was realizing that the life I had in the old apartment was just that ... "old"! It was cathartic to get rid of part of that past life. There were things I had from my childhood bedroom, when throwing away, felt good to finally let go of. Other things I kept in a small box that is now in the second bedroom closet - a little out of sight, but not ready to part with.

dinette

living room

When I moved into the last apartment, I bought all the furniture myself.  However this time around I've been able to decorate a little more appropriately with a larger budget than 5 years ago. While I still love all the pieces I own, having it placed in such a way makes it feel more homey. Plus it really does have a nice "zen" atheistic, if I don't say so myself.   

So, really this new space feels more like me than any other place I've been and I think that goes back to knowing who I am and only wanting to surround myself with things that will enrich my life and make me feel better

Overall I'd like to think I'm in a much better, brighter and happier place.  Things are definitely looking up for me as I round out another chapter and milestone - my 30th year.  If someone a year ago had told me what my 30th year would be like, I never would have believed them.  Coupled with that that, if someone six months ago would've told me I'd be where I'm at right now - I still wouldn't have believed them. However, everything truly does happen for a reason and the things I've gone through this year are experiences I'm thankful to have had and I'm thankful to have experienced such a great year with a very special person, who changed me for the better.  But as they say, that is all in the past.

Moving on to a new space, a new attitude and a new direction.