New Beginning

I haven't written anything in a very looong time.  I know this time last year - actually more than a year ago, I said I would write more, but failed to keep that promise.  I can't even BEGIN to summarize all the changes that have taken place - both good and bad - between March 2013 and March 2014.  However, I did take some time today to look over this little blog of mine and I realized that once again, things haven't been so different.  It's not so much different seasons, just different surroundings. The major themes in my life are still the same, which I guess is good to know that a small piece of me still remains the same, during challenges and changes.

all packed

I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine with boxes surrounding me and a candle burning ... just thinking, almost on the verge of tears.  I'm both happy and sad to be moving.

I'm absolutely looking forward to a new "space".  I've needed a fresh start for a while now, so this might as well be it.  However, I'm also remembering all the "growing" that I did while living here.  Hell, it has been nearly 5 years of my life!  On the other hand, I'm looking forward to leaving the ghosts and memories behind even if they will remain with me, always and forever.  

I have very little documentation of my life over the last year and as someone who generally writes everything down, this may be the only place where I'll have an existing summary.  So ... quick summation.

The beginning of 2013 (February and March) brought a great new career opportunity into my life where I've grown so much professionally in just one year.  I'm working for an organization which is doing awesome things for people who are blind or living with low vision, and I work with (a few) people who are knowledgeable, energetic and a pleasure to be around.  I have to say that I fell into this position at the right time and the right place - I suppose all the stars aligned for me when this happened.  Some days are a challenge, but what job isn't, this is the real world right!? And if I didn't have a challenge and if it were the same every day - I would be BORED out of my mind.  Thankfully that is not the case.  

More good things came in 2013 (May - June - July).  I reconnected, after 12 years, with someone who has always been near and dear to my heart.  A childhood friend, who was quite possibly my first crush, my kiss and my first love ... all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into one human being.  Everything was perfect, almost as if it were "too good to be true", and maybe it was.  But the beginning of 2014 left us disjointed and questioning all that was happening in our "fairy tale" story.

So ... here I am. Trying to piece all the fallen pieces together.  

Don't get me wrong, I've been here before.  Its just never felt like this.  I truly do feel like a piece of me is broken and it cannot be fixed, no matter what I do.  I'm REALLY hoping that a new environment and living space will help, because honestly, some days I'll be sitting on the couch and just stare off into space, lost in some memory of when we'd laugh together in the kitchen or fight over bathroom time in the morning.  So ... being on my own for the last couple months has really been hard on me, I've tried to be away from home as much as possible.  

While I'm still hurt by everything that happened, I'm in a much better place.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about this.  I could very easily revert back to the guarded, angry, "ice-queen" phase in my my life, which I think I've referred to before in this blog.  However I can't do that, it's not fair to me or even the next person I meet.

Re-reading some entries earlier today I was reminded of how I've always questioned who "wins" when I'm guarded?  Is it really me?  Do I REALLY "win" by keeping people out? No, not at all. Is it healthy to be so independent, to really say that you're better off alone?  I don't think so.  I think it's more selfish to live that way and I'm reminded of what my Aunt has always told me after a breakup ... "keep your heart open."  And I will do just that. I know that something really good will come out of this because I now know what true love is - and maybe it wasn't right with us, but it was real.  I can honestly say I've never felt love like that before and if I have an opportunity to feel it again with someone else or someone I don't even know, then I look forward to that moment.  I'm looking forward to feeling just like a little girl again - excited about dates and kisses and everything that is supposed to give me butterflies.  I will not shut that out because I do deserve that.

When I started to write this blog entry I was thinking about how nothing has changed.  How I continue to invest in people and love people who don't love me as much ... how I'm alone ... how I'm more independent and more like "myself" because I'm alone.  But, after typing all these thoughts and feelings out I'm realizing I've grown a LOT more than I had originally thought.  I mean, am I still hurt? Yes.  Am I still finding myself giving more than what's given to me?  yes.  But I also think that's who I am ... I'm sensitive, so I feel more than other people.  I want to please everyone around me, so I'll do anything to make them happy.   Therefore, in the end ... that's just part of my make-up and that won't ever change. But my reaction to how I deal with these life situations, that can change and I see that it has.  

The past couple months I have delayed the "moving on" phase in hopes that something would happen, I really do hold onto every last ounce of hope.  However, in the last week I'd have to say that perspective has changed.  I'm OK with how things are.  We'll all eventually end up where we're meant to be and I know for me ... that means I'll be in a new space in less than a month and I'm really looking forward to that.

A true New Beginning.

So, I think it's time to delete this chapter and blog ... with hopes of opening a new one in the future.

Until then  ... I leave you with my "every day / feel good songs" (similar to my  "Roy Wood - Songs of Praise", circa 2010)

They don't need to see me crying

I'll get my little black dress on

And if I put on my favorite song

I'm gonna dance until you're all gone 

I'll get my little dress on

You came, lifted me up but then you dropped a hurricane

Now I'm fighting to find the ground again, to steady my feet 

Get up off my knees and just remember

That I am more than just somebody's puppet

I can find the cord and then I'll cut it

I stand a pretty good chance to dust myself off and dance  

Sara Barellies - Little Black Dress

Happy - Pharrell