No Expectations in 2012

Before I moved out on my own I had a vision of owning a variety of the colored portraits of Andy Warhol with different quotes.  I loved the idea of having these colorful pictures hanging on the walls of my apartment.  In fact, when I did finally move out they were right at the top of the list to purchase . . . but sadly never bought.

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~ Andy Warhol

I first saw these when I was about 24 years old and for a while this one was my favorite one.  No, not just because it's pink (and believe it or not - one of my favorite colors) but because at the time this quote spoke to me.  I have always thought of myself as someone waiting for something - what, I don't exactly know - but I always thought how lovely it would feel when it finally did arrive.  As if a feeling of completeness would take over.  Lately I've been struggling with feeling incomplete.  I think this is a feeling that I've dealt with most of my life - it just came with my DNA.  It's kind of like your skin - its always a part of you, and yet you never really think about it.  

I no longer believe this quote to be true.  In fact, as of the end of December 2011 and moving into the year 2012, my motto and mantra have been "no expectations."  I've hurt myself too many times with wanting and/or waiting for something to happen, and realizing that it never will.  I admit that I do sometimes expect big things from people in my life and maybe having these expectations is what causes me to feel so shitty when they don't actually come true.  This exact instance happened at the end of 2011 and that was when I made the resolution-slash-mantra-slash-life-lesson to make the year 2012 the year of "no expectations."

Other things I'm working on include (but not limited to):

LEARN TO SAY NO
This isn't as much of a problem anymore as it used to be.  However, as a perpetual people pleaser, I never want to feel as though I'm letting someone down.  While I pride myself in being a good friend/daughter/employee/sister/cousin/etc., at some point boundaries need to be set and I'm getting to that place right now.  Like I mentioned previously - this used to be a bigger issue years ago when I never said "no" to anyone or anything, but gradually that fear of hurting others or causing conflict has diminished, and I feel more confident about respecting myself and my own capabilities.

EMBRACE WHAT YOU LOVE

This is a biggie for me.  I feel we all need to clear out more room to let love into our lives. This includes getting rid of things and people that you don't love and/or don't love you, and surround yourself in things that make you feel "at home".  I do love many things and just recently I've made it a priority to do what I love and to divulge in it fully.  I'm that kind of person who gets bored easily and sometimes when I start a project or hobby I generally end up quitting and it sits there unfinished.  However, I notice when I participate in doing the things I "love" - I feel prouder and better about myself.  Even the little things have helped in this effort.  I love to write - so I've been making more of an effort to write every day.  I would actually like to start using this blog as more of an outlet for my creativity, but every time I say I'm going to blog more, I never do - again with the "i get bored easily" trait.  I love to read - last year I made a goal of reading 50 pages a day.  I didn't really stick to that as  diligently as possible, but I did end up finishing the year with having read 26 books (roughly a book every 2 weeks).  This year I intend to do the same and maybe even read more! - I clearly have no life.  Finally, I love to listen to music - it calms me, it's an outlet when I can't express myself in ways that I would like to - so I try to surround myself with music as much as possible throughout the day.  Coupled with this, I love to dance - I dance in my apartment, alone, by myself, quiet often  . . .sort of along the lines of this clip right here  . . . (but minus the pom-poms - although I'm sure I still have my old ones somewhere at my parents house.)

"JUST BE YOU "
This might seem like a "no duh" kind of goal, but it's something that I remind myself to do every day. . . . "just be you. . . you don't have to be anyone but yourself . . and that is enough."  In fact, I have that as a sticky note on my bathroom mirror, along with another one that says "it was passion, not love." (but that's another story - maybe another entry?)  Anyway . . . I sometimes need  to remind myself that not everyone is going to like everything about me and that I don't need to always be doing things for other people.  I shouldn't be wasting energy or putting feelings and emotions where it isn't deserved or respected.  It's OK to do things my own way, to be a little different, to make mistakes, to fall down, to get back up just to screw it all up then to try and fix it again, and again, and again.  This is all part of growing and evolving, right?

Finally - for your listening pleasure . . . just discovered this gem today.