Ready To Smile Again

I do believe it’s time to start smiling again. I can’t say that I've been “unhappy” per se, but I have felt disconnected from certain people and areas in my life. However, I can say with confidence and reassurance that June is turning out to be a very good month; quite possibly the best since the start of 2014.  In fact, astrologist Susan Miller – who I adore very much - did put it best in this month’s Gemini Horoscope,“You have just come through two very tough months, April and the subsequent pressures of May . . . you need a month to sort out all that has happened in recent weeks, so plan to take a step back, and take the necessary time to make sense of what is happening in your life now.”  

So, I think now is an appropriate time to reevaluate where I want to go and what I'd like to accomplish from now until the end of 2014. Just the other day I wrote down some personal goals that I'd like to work on for the rest of the year: 1) lose 15 pounds - I've already lost about 10 since March and would feel even better about myself if I could continue on that path. 2) Be more active with my free time.  3) Take an actual, for-real vacation. I've been wanting to have a getaway for a while, so now I'm definitely going to make it happen.

In the past several weeks I've definitely felt the emergence of my old self starting to rush out again, and just because there are things that are going well in my life - some areas I still need to work on.

Social:  This week has been a reflection of what my life was like back in 2011 and 2012. I've had plans EVERY DAY after work; dinner with friends, going to events where I know absolutely no one – only to find that I have a lot in common with these strangers - who have now become my acquaintances.

C'est la vie: "That's Life!" I need to stop breaking my own heart. That sounds silly but it's true. I haven't been very kind to myself lately and this is due to the residual mess that comes with a break-up. Most days it's OK. I don't think of him in the morning. I don't dwell on the hurt. I'm not longing for the past because the realization is that since the breakup I'm more relaxed and have experienced some of the best times of my life. But even though months have passed it's not always that easy because it still hurts sometimes. On those days, I find it's easy to be swallowed up in the sadness and all that confidence I had days ago comes crashing down, and the thoughts don't seem to want to stop - "You lied to me." "You caused me pain." "I'm angry with you." "I'll never forgive you." "I miss you." "I want you back." "I want our life back." But then the realization sets in that I'm only hurting MYSELF because, well  . . . I'm the only causality. I've stayed alone on this roller coaster for several months in hopes that maybe with just one single word, the ride would come to a halt. Alas, it hasn't. So it's time to get off the ride and say, "C'est la vie". I need to stop hurting myself.  To be honest, as much as his silence pains me, I respect his decision because it would be worse if there was contact. There would be more confusion. So, I'm working on having similar willpower.    

Hobbies: Some of my passions and hobbies are starting to come back as well. I've been reading every night before bed which always helps my ever-racing mind to calm down, so I can actually get some sleep. However, these days I haven't been sleeping very well, I seem to wake up every night around 2:30a. At one point in my life I was reading a book every 2-3 weeks by just making sure I read at least 50 pages a day. When you think about it, that's not a lot of reading, maybe an hour or more? I'd like to make that a habit again. On days when it's still nice outside after work, I've either been going to the Metroparks for a walk or I've been relaxing by the pool. I've made it a goal to NOT waste time inside when the weather is so nice. This last winter was so brutal and gloomy that it would be a shame to let the summer go by without enjoying it's presence while it's still here. Because believe it not - the summer will be over before I know it.

I can't say I'm where I thought I would be when I rang in the New Year months ago, but I'm where I'm supposed to be. Connecting with people I'm meant to be with for one reason or another. I believe this quote to be true: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."  It's quite possible that someone is supposed to be in my life for a lifetime - it will just be spaced out during the appropriate times and seasons.  

Five Friday Fundamentals: June 13, 2014

Hallelujah! I'm so glad it's June!

 i. Listening:  At the moment there are two artists I've been really listening to.  The first is IggyAzalea. While I really love hearing  Fancy on the radio multiple times a day, I think my favorite song of hers is a tie between Work and Black Widow.  I love the energy of basically the entire album!  The other is quite obvious - Mrs. Carter.  I would post some of my favorite Queen Beyoncé songs, but then I'd end up posting her entire discography.  So, I won't do that.  

 ii. Reading:  I'm currently reading Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier.  I've had this book for ages and I'm just now getting around to reading it.  I can't comment much on it right now bc I'm only about 75 pages into it, but so far I'm really enjoying it.  I'm looking forward to learning more about the secrets of Rebecca and the unnamed protagonist.  

iii. Wearing:  Casual Friday!!  Skinny jeans - which are now fitting a little better since I've lost about 10 pounds; a gray tee-shirt which I'm pretty sure isn't even mine, but leftover from mixed laundry from months and months ago; and my purple gladiator-like sandals, which are so very comfy.  To top it off - my hair is in a bun because standing under a hair dryer in this muggy weather was NOT happening today.

iv. Watching:  A few weeks ago on a dreary Saturday, I spent my time by watching the ENTIRE season of Hollywood Game Night, so that has kind of been my obsession lately.  The other show that I've been guilty of watching marathons of is Modern Family.  USA does 2 hour themed marathons a couple times a week, so that's been my guilty pleasure in the evenings when I can catch it. Plus, I took the Which TV Mom are you? quiz and got Gloria - which surprised me. 

v. Wanting: I'm super excited because yesterday I bought my ticket for my FIRST Tori Amos concert!  She's been one of my favorite artists since I was in high school and believe it or not, I've never see her live.  But all of that will change in August!  So I'm wanting the weeks between now and then to go by rather quickly.  I'm also wanting to spend all my weekends at the pool reading, which is totally doable if the weather cooperates!  

Book Review: The Fault In Our Stars

I just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green.  Having read Paper Towns by John Green a few years ago, I was familiar with his writing.  In all honesty, I picked this book up on a whim.  Moving into the new apartment I knew I would be without cable for a few days and this would be a quick and captivating read, which would distract me for just enough time.  However, I didn't plan on liking it as much as I did.  It really does live up to the hype – especially now with the movie coming out.  I made sure to avoid the images and the trailer for the movie because I wanted my own vision of the characters, not based on what has been decided from Hollywood.  However, as soon as I finished – I must admit to Googling “The Fault in Our Stars Movie” and scrolled through the images with pleasure. 

       

Despite being a very emotional person on a daily basis, most books I read do not make me cry; but this one … this one definitely did.  I found myself staying up WAY past my bedtime, with tears streaming down my cheeks and onto my neck, as I kept reading and turning page after page ... until I was finished.  When I finally did finish, I re-read the last page one more time just to make sure there wasn't more to read.  Sadly, there wasn't.

The Plot (which really is this simple): A story of two teens, Hazel Grace and Augustus, with cancer.

While that sounds depressing, it really isn't.  This book is funny, witty and enjoyable, and yes - at times very sad.  Think - Juno meets Cancer. To describe this sentiment, I think this quote from Hazel nails it, “I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn't tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)”  Not having read many books about teens with cancer myself (i.e., A Walk To Remember), I didn't know what to expect.  Yes, it is a young adult book (with a certain demographic in mind) but this isn't High School Romance stuff.  It is a book about real kids with cancer.  It's about life and death, illness, heroism and how teenagers are supposed to accept the fact that they will die and leave everyone they love behind.  

I think the teen characters in the story are a little precocious and advanced on their intellect and insight about life and death; however what do I know about living with cancer?  Maybe when you're an already angst-y teenager faced with death on a daily basis you have to become a little witty about the cards you've been dealt.

In the end it doesn't matter if I thought Augustus Waters was douche-y with his "i'm-too-cool" attitude because as the reader I cared about the characters.  And despite him coming off as pretentious and so overly charming, in the first few chapters, I'd like to think if I were a terminally ill sixteen-year-old girl and a boy like him from Support Group kept staring at me and told me “ . . . it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you,” yeah, I’d fall for him, too … hard.  Duh.   

At times it's difficult to read about the characters' circumstances.  For example, when Hazel says things like, "my lungs suck at being lungs" or “I kept telling my lungs to shut up, that they were strong, that they could do this."  However, it is written in such a way that the characters aren't defined by their cancer; yes, it consumes their lives but it doesn't define who they are.  There are a variety of other elements in the story that help the reader understand that Hazel and Augustus are MORE than their illness. They really are just teenagers, who happen to be living with cancer.    

In the end, it's a good book if you're up for an emotional roller-coaster.  It's nothing genius or groundbreaking, but it's an enjoyable read nonetheless. 

Some Quotes: 

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.”  (Augustus) 

“My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won't be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because-like all real love stories-it will die with us, as it should." . . . "I can't talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.” (Hazel) 

  

Feels Like Home

 For the first time since March I feel like I’m finally coming back into myself.

marking my territory

I’m a little surprised it took me this long to start to feel normal again, and while I’m not 100% back to my old self I’d like to think for the most part I am.  Overall, I’m mostly OK.  I guess that’s all any of us can really hope for – that on most days we feel “generally OK” about things.  

I can’t really complain that much because my life has been exciting again. I've been going out more.  I've reconnected with some people in my life, who at one time really defined who I was - mainly the friend I have known the longest.  I’m laughing a lot more.  There are also a couple new people who seem understanding and patient, given the situation.   

I know that with time things will only continue to get better.  I've said this before and I’ll say it again – I've come back from a lot worse.  I suppose the plus side to having before experienced breakups is knowing that I’m pretty much going through the stages of loss/grief: 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Depression 4) Acceptance.  I can confidently say that the month of May has been the month of acceptance.  Thankfully it’s not over yet because I’m still working on it.

While the memories still talk to me from time to time, they have quieted down since moving out of the old apartment.  It’s so funny that I can’t even refer to that apartment as “my own” because for some time it wasn't just "mine".  However, in my new place, I’m starting to feel at home again. It feels like me. Each day it’s becoming the the space where I can see myself growing and experiencing the life I want to live. At the core, I basically know what I want in my life and I have to say I’m on the right path to getting it. I think that’s why things fell apart earlier this year … we weren't on the right path with each other, and I may have been pushing my own direction while neglecting where his was taking him. 

being handy

Part of what made this move so monumental (I guess that's the word I would use?) is that I felt like an adult.  It's funny thinking about this because just the other day I was saying to a friend - who is in their late 30's - it might be true what they say about your thirties being the best decade because I’m definitely finding that to be true … even though I’m just about to turn 31. 

Anyway, what I think made this move different was realizing that the life I had in the old apartment was just that ... "old"! It was cathartic to get rid of part of that past life. There were things I had from my childhood bedroom, when throwing away, felt good to finally let go of. Other things I kept in a small box that is now in the second bedroom closet - a little out of sight, but not ready to part with.

dinette

living room

When I moved into the last apartment, I bought all the furniture myself.  However this time around I've been able to decorate a little more appropriately with a larger budget than 5 years ago. While I still love all the pieces I own, having it placed in such a way makes it feel more homey. Plus it really does have a nice "zen" atheistic, if I don't say so myself.   

So, really this new space feels more like me than any other place I've been and I think that goes back to knowing who I am and only wanting to surround myself with things that will enrich my life and make me feel better

Overall I'd like to think I'm in a much better, brighter and happier place.  Things are definitely looking up for me as I round out another chapter and milestone - my 30th year.  If someone a year ago had told me what my 30th year would be like, I never would have believed them.  Coupled with that that, if someone six months ago would've told me I'd be where I'm at right now - I still wouldn't have believed them. However, everything truly does happen for a reason and the things I've gone through this year are experiences I'm thankful to have had and I'm thankful to have experienced such a great year with a very special person, who changed me for the better.  But as they say, that is all in the past.

Moving on to a new space, a new attitude and a new direction.  

Five Friday Fundamentals

 i. Listening:  I’ve always gotten great satisfaction out of creating perfect Pandora stations.  Right now I have a few that I’ve been listening to frequently and which I think are truly exceptional.  1)Pharrell Radio – which is probably my favorite station to listen to in the morning when getting ready for work.  A little Robin Thicke, Outkast and Jay-Z always helps to get me started with my day. 2)The Spill Canvas Radio – which totally channels my “angsty” phase of life (circa 2007). Bands like: Taking Back Sunday, The Used and Something Corporate. Finally and most obviously 3)Beyoncé Radio – I mean, duh. I’m obsessed with Mrs. Carter.

This is what my computer sees today. 

 ii. Reading:  I started reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green a couple days ago and I already know I'll end up finishing it tonight.  I'm envisioning a glass of wine, reading and crying - since I already know it's going to have a sad ending.
 iii. Wearing:  As per usual for Casual Friday at work, I’m wearing jeans and a spring-y type top, since it’s nearly 80 degrees out.  Thank you Cleveland weather – I’m enjoying you these days.  
iv. Watching:  I’ve been enjoying Shark Tank and Dateline, as always.  However my newest obsession has been reruns of Will & Grace.   

v. Wanting:  To finally get cable in my apartment.  First they came on Tuesday, only to tell me that I needed to have a new cable cord installed, which was supposed to be yesterday.  However, the guy who came on Tuesday never submitted the work order, thus I spent a whole day waiting around for nothing.  Now I guess it’s going to be installed next Tuesday.  We shall see. 

New Beginning

I haven't written anything in a very looong time.  I know this time last year - actually more than a year ago, I said I would write more, but failed to keep that promise.  I can't even BEGIN to summarize all the changes that have taken place - both good and bad - between March 2013 and March 2014.  However, I did take some time today to look over this little blog of mine and I realized that once again, things haven't been so different.  It's not so much different seasons, just different surroundings. The major themes in my life are still the same, which I guess is good to know that a small piece of me still remains the same, during challenges and changes.

all packed

I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine with boxes surrounding me and a candle burning ... just thinking, almost on the verge of tears.  I'm both happy and sad to be moving.

I'm absolutely looking forward to a new "space".  I've needed a fresh start for a while now, so this might as well be it.  However, I'm also remembering all the "growing" that I did while living here.  Hell, it has been nearly 5 years of my life!  On the other hand, I'm looking forward to leaving the ghosts and memories behind even if they will remain with me, always and forever.  

I have very little documentation of my life over the last year and as someone who generally writes everything down, this may be the only place where I'll have an existing summary.  So ... quick summation.

The beginning of 2013 (February and March) brought a great new career opportunity into my life where I've grown so much professionally in just one year.  I'm working for an organization which is doing awesome things for people who are blind or living with low vision, and I work with (a few) people who are knowledgeable, energetic and a pleasure to be around.  I have to say that I fell into this position at the right time and the right place - I suppose all the stars aligned for me when this happened.  Some days are a challenge, but what job isn't, this is the real world right!? And if I didn't have a challenge and if it were the same every day - I would be BORED out of my mind.  Thankfully that is not the case.  

More good things came in 2013 (May - June - July).  I reconnected, after 12 years, with someone who has always been near and dear to my heart.  A childhood friend, who was quite possibly my first crush, my kiss and my first love ... all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into one human being.  Everything was perfect, almost as if it were "too good to be true", and maybe it was.  But the beginning of 2014 left us disjointed and questioning all that was happening in our "fairy tale" story.

So ... here I am. Trying to piece all the fallen pieces together.  

Don't get me wrong, I've been here before.  Its just never felt like this.  I truly do feel like a piece of me is broken and it cannot be fixed, no matter what I do.  I'm REALLY hoping that a new environment and living space will help, because honestly, some days I'll be sitting on the couch and just stare off into space, lost in some memory of when we'd laugh together in the kitchen or fight over bathroom time in the morning.  So ... being on my own for the last couple months has really been hard on me, I've tried to be away from home as much as possible.  

While I'm still hurt by everything that happened, I'm in a much better place.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about this.  I could very easily revert back to the guarded, angry, "ice-queen" phase in my my life, which I think I've referred to before in this blog.  However I can't do that, it's not fair to me or even the next person I meet.

Re-reading some entries earlier today I was reminded of how I've always questioned who "wins" when I'm guarded?  Is it really me?  Do I REALLY "win" by keeping people out? No, not at all. Is it healthy to be so independent, to really say that you're better off alone?  I don't think so.  I think it's more selfish to live that way and I'm reminded of what my Aunt has always told me after a breakup ... "keep your heart open."  And I will do just that. I know that something really good will come out of this because I now know what true love is - and maybe it wasn't right with us, but it was real.  I can honestly say I've never felt love like that before and if I have an opportunity to feel it again with someone else or someone I don't even know, then I look forward to that moment.  I'm looking forward to feeling just like a little girl again - excited about dates and kisses and everything that is supposed to give me butterflies.  I will not shut that out because I do deserve that.

When I started to write this blog entry I was thinking about how nothing has changed.  How I continue to invest in people and love people who don't love me as much ... how I'm alone ... how I'm more independent and more like "myself" because I'm alone.  But, after typing all these thoughts and feelings out I'm realizing I've grown a LOT more than I had originally thought.  I mean, am I still hurt? Yes.  Am I still finding myself giving more than what's given to me?  yes.  But I also think that's who I am ... I'm sensitive, so I feel more than other people.  I want to please everyone around me, so I'll do anything to make them happy.   Therefore, in the end ... that's just part of my make-up and that won't ever change. But my reaction to how I deal with these life situations, that can change and I see that it has.  

The past couple months I have delayed the "moving on" phase in hopes that something would happen, I really do hold onto every last ounce of hope.  However, in the last week I'd have to say that perspective has changed.  I'm OK with how things are.  We'll all eventually end up where we're meant to be and I know for me ... that means I'll be in a new space in less than a month and I'm really looking forward to that.

A true New Beginning.

So, I think it's time to delete this chapter and blog ... with hopes of opening a new one in the future.

Until then  ... I leave you with my "every day / feel good songs" (similar to my  "Roy Wood - Songs of Praise", circa 2010)

They don't need to see me crying

I'll get my little black dress on

And if I put on my favorite song

I'm gonna dance until you're all gone 

I'll get my little dress on

You came, lifted me up but then you dropped a hurricane

Now I'm fighting to find the ground again, to steady my feet 

Get up off my knees and just remember

That I am more than just somebody's puppet

I can find the cord and then I'll cut it

I stand a pretty good chance to dust myself off and dance  

Sara Barellies - Little Black Dress

Happy - Pharrell

  

Five Friday Fundamentals

In an attempt to start resurrecting my blog, I’m creating a new subset of recurring posts called Five Friday Fundamentals.  This is an effort to succinctly provide an overall snapshot of certain aspects of my week and/or daily life.

So here is the first installment of Five Friday Fundamentals and a glimpse into my world, at the moment.

 i. Listening:  Chris Pureka.  Especially the song 3 a.m, from her album Driving North. I must have cried every time I listened to it, when I first began listening to her. She is very similar to Patty Griffin, who I have adored for a very long time. Chris Pureka is folky, expressive and the lyrics are so hauntingly beautiful. “Oh, and these things I just want to tell you still, but you stopped listening, oh well, didn’t you? So maybe I should go get lost, or maybe I should go get drunk, or maybe I should just forget about you".
 ii. Reading:  I’m between books.
 iii. Wearing:  I’m brightening up my little corner of the world with this top in bright yellow from Banana Republic and a colorful scarf, with skinny jeans and nude pumps. I truly am loving and appreciating casual Fridays.    
iv. Watching:  These days I’ve been obsessed with Dr. Oz and The Dick Van Dyke Show, which despite it being so very ‘60s, the show is still smart and funny. Here’s an interesting blurb on the portrayal of feminism in the show. My Dick Van Dyke Show obsession goes back to December when I developed a huge crush on the adorably funny, Rob Petrie – any guy who can make laugh, will win my heart. For this reason, I think I need to date a comedian.

 v. Wanting:  To get my hair done … I'm in need for another change.

FYI - Coming Soon! A real blog entry … I promise.