No Expectations in 2012

Before I moved out on my own I had a vision of owning a variety of the colored portraits of Andy Warhol with different quotes.  I loved the idea of having these colorful pictures hanging on the walls of my apartment.  In fact, when I did finally move out they were right at the top of the list to purchase . . . but sadly never bought.

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~ Andy Warhol

I first saw these when I was about 24 years old and for a while this one was my favorite one.  No, not just because it's pink (and believe it or not - one of my favorite colors) but because at the time this quote spoke to me.  I have always thought of myself as someone waiting for something - what, I don't exactly know - but I always thought how lovely it would feel when it finally did arrive.  As if a feeling of completeness would take over.  Lately I've been struggling with feeling incomplete.  I think this is a feeling that I've dealt with most of my life - it just came with my DNA.  It's kind of like your skin - its always a part of you, and yet you never really think about it.  

I no longer believe this quote to be true.  In fact, as of the end of December 2011 and moving into the year 2012, my motto and mantra have been "no expectations."  I've hurt myself too many times with wanting and/or waiting for something to happen, and realizing that it never will.  I admit that I do sometimes expect big things from people in my life and maybe having these expectations is what causes me to feel so shitty when they don't actually come true.  This exact instance happened at the end of 2011 and that was when I made the resolution-slash-mantra-slash-life-lesson to make the year 2012 the year of "no expectations."

Other things I'm working on include (but not limited to):

LEARN TO SAY NO
This isn't as much of a problem anymore as it used to be.  However, as a perpetual people pleaser, I never want to feel as though I'm letting someone down.  While I pride myself in being a good friend/daughter/employee/sister/cousin/etc., at some point boundaries need to be set and I'm getting to that place right now.  Like I mentioned previously - this used to be a bigger issue years ago when I never said "no" to anyone or anything, but gradually that fear of hurting others or causing conflict has diminished, and I feel more confident about respecting myself and my own capabilities.

EMBRACE WHAT YOU LOVE

This is a biggie for me.  I feel we all need to clear out more room to let love into our lives. This includes getting rid of things and people that you don't love and/or don't love you, and surround yourself in things that make you feel "at home".  I do love many things and just recently I've made it a priority to do what I love and to divulge in it fully.  I'm that kind of person who gets bored easily and sometimes when I start a project or hobby I generally end up quitting and it sits there unfinished.  However, I notice when I participate in doing the things I "love" - I feel prouder and better about myself.  Even the little things have helped in this effort.  I love to write - so I've been making more of an effort to write every day.  I would actually like to start using this blog as more of an outlet for my creativity, but every time I say I'm going to blog more, I never do - again with the "i get bored easily" trait.  I love to read - last year I made a goal of reading 50 pages a day.  I didn't really stick to that as  diligently as possible, but I did end up finishing the year with having read 26 books (roughly a book every 2 weeks).  This year I intend to do the same and maybe even read more! - I clearly have no life.  Finally, I love to listen to music - it calms me, it's an outlet when I can't express myself in ways that I would like to - so I try to surround myself with music as much as possible throughout the day.  Coupled with this, I love to dance - I dance in my apartment, alone, by myself, quiet often  . . .sort of along the lines of this clip right here  . . . (but minus the pom-poms - although I'm sure I still have my old ones somewhere at my parents house.)

"JUST BE YOU "
This might seem like a "no duh" kind of goal, but it's something that I remind myself to do every day. . . . "just be you. . . you don't have to be anyone but yourself . . and that is enough."  In fact, I have that as a sticky note on my bathroom mirror, along with another one that says "it was passion, not love." (but that's another story - maybe another entry?)  Anyway . . . I sometimes need  to remind myself that not everyone is going to like everything about me and that I don't need to always be doing things for other people.  I shouldn't be wasting energy or putting feelings and emotions where it isn't deserved or respected.  It's OK to do things my own way, to be a little different, to make mistakes, to fall down, to get back up just to screw it all up then to try and fix it again, and again, and again.  This is all part of growing and evolving, right?

Finally - for your listening pleasure . . . just discovered this gem today. 

Favorite Fictional Females: Katarina Stratford

This evening while I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite TV shows, The Gilmore Girls, I was thinking about all the fictional female characters that I identify with, admire, and pretty much have a girl-crush on. So, I was going to post all of them together, but decided to pay homage to each of them separately.

I'm not going to lie, I adore the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. For years I would ask for this movie as a present for either my birthday or Christmas, yet I still don't own it. You would think by now I'd just buy the damn movie for myself, since it's probably like less than ten bucks.  However, I'm now wondering if I don't love it as much as I think I do, or possibly I don't want to ruin my nostalgia with it.

I remember years ago one of my cousins telling me that I reminded her of Kat.  Maybe because she's a feminist, hates high school, loves music and drives a vintage car?  Who knows?  But I'm definitely not as tough or bad-ass as Kat, although I do love her strong character and can identify with her uniqueness and being unafraid to stand up for who she is. Maybe that's what my cousin was referring to with me?

I love that she's sarcastic . . . "I want you, I need you. Oh, baby. Oh, baby." 

She's opinionated and will speak what's on her mind.

Kat:  Romantic?  Hemingway? He was an abusive alcoholic, misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers. 

Joey:  As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous hag who has no friends?

Kat:  I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.  What about Sylvia Plath, or Charlotte Bronte, or Simone de Beauvior? 

Patrick:  What'd I miss?

Kat:  The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.

And here is Kat casually and adorably reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. One of my very favorite books, too. 

I can identify with her commitment to being herself and not following the crowd.  This is something that I've worked extremely hard at through the years.  It's taken me a long time (longer than I'd like to admit) to learn to love myself for who I am and it's finally good to be at a place where I can say, "I don't have to be like you.  I'm me and if you don't like me for who I am or the person I've become, then that's not my fault."

Lastly, Kat is not like most of her female peers who are boy-obsessed.  While she does get involved with Patrick in the end, she makes it clear throughout most of the movie that she doesn't need to be rescued.  I love this for many reasons.  I float between the extremes of needing/wanting someone in my life and then not wanting anyone at all because "I'm independent and I don't 'need' anyone."  It really depends on the day and how I'm feeling.  Most days I could care less about having a relationship or someone in my life because it just causes heartache and I'm tired of feeling rejected (this goes back to the whole trying to love myself thing.  It's hard when people keep finding things wrong with you.)  It's such a vicious cycle - you get close with someone, you get burned, and then you put the walls up again.  Who am I really protecting?  Me or am I keeping people from getting too close to me?  Probably both. It's a struggle that I've dealt with for years.   Just last night I had a thought that I'm probably better off alone because I can be hard to handle at times - kinda like Kat.    

The Matter - Kim Addonizio

The Matter - Kim Addonizio

Some men break your heart in two…
—Dorothy Parker, “Experience”

Some men carry you to bed with your boots on.
Some men say your name like a verbal tic.
Some men slap on an emotional surcharge for every erotic encounter.
Some men are slightly mentally ill, and thinking of joining a gym.
Some men have moved on and can’t be seduced, even in the dream bars you meet them in.
Some men who were younger are now the age you were then.
Some men aren’t content with mere breakage, they’ve got to burn you to the ground.
Some men you’ve reduced to ashes are finally dusting themselves off.
Some men are made of fiberglass.
Some men have deep holes drilled in by a war, you can’t fill them.
Some men are delicate and torn.
Some men will steal your bracelet if you let them spend the night.
Some men will want to fuck your poems, and instead they will find you.
Some men will say, “I’d like to see how you look when you come,” and then hail a cab.
Some men are a list of ingredients with no recipe.
Some men never see you.
Some men will blindfold you during sex, then secretly put on high heels.
Some men will try on your black fishnet stockings in a hotel in Rome, or Saran Wrap you
to a bedpost in New Orleans.
Some of these men will be worth trying to keep.
Some men will write smugly condescending reviews of your work, making you remember
these lines by Frank O’Hara:
I cannot possibly think of you/other than you are: the assassin/ of my orchards.
Some men, let’s face it, really are too small.
Some men are too large, but it’s not usually a deal breaker.
Some men don’t have one at all.
Some men will slap you in a way you’ll like.
Some men will want to crawl inside you to die.
Some men never clean up the matter.
Some men hand you their hearts like leaflets,
and some men’s hearts seem to circle forever: you catch sight of them on clear nights,
bright dots among the stars, and wait for their orbits to decay, for them to fall to earth.

hip hits: Version - Angry Chick Music

these boots were made for walkin' - nancy sinatra

be careful, fellas. this is the best warning song ever. love it

Black Roses Red - Alana Grace

Circa 2006 anyone? This is such a powerful and beautiful song. i love the simplicity of the line, "can you turn my black roses red?" someone has to make me believe again.

Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

this song totally screams passion.

Wonderland - Natalia Kills

i've been obsessed with Natalia Kills for almost a year now. I first heard "zombie" last spring and since then I have been such a huge fan of hers. I must have posted all of her videos on facebook. I'm drawn to the dark side of things and I appreciate creativity that isn't afraid to push the limit and be a little out there.

Sticks and Stones - The Pierces

such a wicked song. these gals are smart, talented and morbid - in such a sexy way. their lyrics and uniqueness are so mesmerizing. I adore them.

"but you get scared when we're alone, like I might suck your blood . . ."

Pearl of the Stars

" . . . I'd give you everything if only I'd have known you'd take it. But you don't, 'cause you're you . . . "

I currently have this song on repeat.

I don't even know why I'm listening to it because it only makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely and depressed and etc., etc., etc. I guess sometimes I just like to wallow in my own misery. I suppose that makes me a masochist, right?

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to people for why I am the way I am and I definitely have a fragile confidence. The feelings of inadequacy and inferiority have consumed me for longer than I can remember –I’ve never been good enough for myself or my expectations. So, as a rule, I stay guarded for a long time before trusting anyone. When I feel like I can let my guard down is usually the time when things don’t work out, and I always end up regretting ever opening up in the first place. It’s such a vicious cycle: being guarded, then opening up, getting hurt and then being guarded again. Is there any other way? I’ve been let down a lot in the past and while I know that not everything is decided on what has previously happened, I always try to learn from mistakes and change the way I deal with hurt feelings.


This past week has been really strange – old ghosts have been popping up everywhere.

If it’s not through Facebook then it’s through emails or text messages. Is Venus retrograde right now?!? Because that’s usually the time when past relationships and old flames resurface – (note to self: Google this).

I’m not usually OK with the “checking in” on people from the past, and this is probably because I’m very all or nothing. I see things in black and white – especially when it comes to relationships. For example, either we’re in one or we’re not; either you like me or you don’t; either I’m going to invest feelings in you or I’m not; either I’m going to get attached or I’m not. Plain and simple. Therefore, if you don’t like me then tell me, so I don’t invest feelings in you or get attached to you. This is just how I’ve taught myself to be over the years. Some people have referred to me as a “bitch” and “cold” – while it appears that I’m “cold-hearted”, it’s really just my defense mechanism. In essence, I’m really just too emotional to “revisit” old relationships because I’m the type of person who will hang on to every last thread of hope and possibility if there were still a chance. This can be unhealthy and extreme, but I’ve spent too many years of my adult life hanging on to lost causes, so this is the alternative – move on, let go, don’t look back because there’s a reason why things didn’t work out in the first place.

I wish I would’ve been cognizant of this last week before doing what I did. Usually, I try not to let my heart rule my head, but this time that didn’t work. I was feeling lonely and misunderstood, so I went back to what used to be “comfortable” for me, thinking that I could change the past, reconnect with a person I used to date, who I think didn’t get the chance he deserved because of other problems at the time, and repair what we once had. It turns that we actually can return to people in our past, but it’s rarely a good idea. Especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and needy – again, I just want to go back to last week and redo everything I did. I hate being vulnerable and weak, and letting people know that you “miss them” or that you “would like to see them”. Barf. They just take advantage of their position and use it against you – usually as some sort of vindication. Trust me, I’ve been there - I know how these games work. So, in the end, I ended up feeling even more rejected then when it all began.

Ugh.

I’m totally just rambling and my thoughts aren’t even making sense.

This time last year, I was dating a guy and he basically told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was ready to fall in love with someone. At the time, this freaked me out and made me nervous. However, during my time of reflection, I thought about him and how everything came so naturally with us.  He always made me laugh.  We could relax, chill and smoke with a bottle of wine . . . basically, just let loose.  To this day I can't hear a Coheed and Cambria  song without thinking about him . . . he was someone I felt safe with and I miss how easy it was to be with him - hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?. But at that time I was on an emotional roller coaster due to other things going on in my life and I felt I couldn’t give him what he deserved – or the love he was so open to giving me. I just couldn’t do it. In January we started dating again. After getting me roses for Valentine's Day and taking me to dinner, we got into the car and he played "Wake Up" by Coheed and said, "this is totally cheesy, but I can't help it." We stopped talking again because of reasons that I will never be able to justify or explain to him. I knew he was hurt and over the summer I sent him a FB message with the link to "wake up" and all he said was, "good song."

And now . . . this all brings us to what took place this past week when I reached out to him again. I don't know what it is about this particular guy, but he makes me break all of my rules. The third time is definitely not a charm, and I got what I deserved and expected. He said he wants to see me too, but just as friends. That's sweet.

In the end, we all get what we deserve.

" . . . So leave yourself intact 'cause I won't be coming back, in a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you . . . "

I heart Ethan Hawke

Here's some Ethan Hawke love.  And an insight into my "type" of guy.

Ethan in Before Sunrise.

and this. Ethan in Reality Bites.

and this. Ethan in Great Expectations. 

and this. Ethan in Dead Poets Society.

dysfunction

I’m having a rough time with things and I’m really hurting today.

The weather fits my mood.

I have always put faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, the past couple months I've felt as though I’m falling down this dark hole and it’s getting more and more difficult to dig myself out.

I’ve always had difficulty opening up to people and there are way too many reasons for why I’m guarded. But that's beside the point. Today I’m hurting because I recently made myself vulnerable again. I invested feelings where I normally wouldn’t have, I extended invitations to events that I would've much rather gone to alone - and will be going alone anyway, regardless. However, that’s not the point. The point is, while my old ways of dealing with emotions and love are unhealthy (I’ll be the first to admit), it’s far better than the alternative and what I’m feeling now.

I’ve always thought the following quote by Marilyn Monroe was fitting even though it suggests a very lonely and depressing existence:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Well, I didn’t do that this time . . . I kissed, believed and I was left. I know that there may have been circumstances beyond my control or things weren’t going the way that I had seen them going, but either way it still kinda sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. And I’ve been wearing this shoe for a long time.

People in my life have a hard time believing that guys don’t want to date me and when I try to explain that I'm "different", they think I'm exaggerating. But I know I'm not. Plus, due to recent events - apparently there really IS something different about me that isn't appealing.  This time I felt comfortable being "me" and it still didn't work. I think I’m running out of options. I suppose I need a new technique. This time it felt oddly "right", but maybe that's because I wanted it to be be right . . . who knows?

I guess I’m just having a hard time deciphering all these thoughts (let alone the recent develops that have taken place in the past 2 days) and needed to get it all out.

In the end, it’s all dysfunctional anyway, right?