Pearl of the Stars

" . . . I'd give you everything if only I'd have known you'd take it. But you don't, 'cause you're you . . . "

I currently have this song on repeat.

I don't even know why I'm listening to it because it only makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely and depressed and etc., etc., etc. I guess sometimes I just like to wallow in my own misery. I suppose that makes me a masochist, right?

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to people for why I am the way I am and I definitely have a fragile confidence. The feelings of inadequacy and inferiority have consumed me for longer than I can remember –I’ve never been good enough for myself or my expectations. So, as a rule, I stay guarded for a long time before trusting anyone. When I feel like I can let my guard down is usually the time when things don’t work out, and I always end up regretting ever opening up in the first place. It’s such a vicious cycle: being guarded, then opening up, getting hurt and then being guarded again. Is there any other way? I’ve been let down a lot in the past and while I know that not everything is decided on what has previously happened, I always try to learn from mistakes and change the way I deal with hurt feelings.


This past week has been really strange – old ghosts have been popping up everywhere.

If it’s not through Facebook then it’s through emails or text messages. Is Venus retrograde right now?!? Because that’s usually the time when past relationships and old flames resurface – (note to self: Google this).

I’m not usually OK with the “checking in” on people from the past, and this is probably because I’m very all or nothing. I see things in black and white – especially when it comes to relationships. For example, either we’re in one or we’re not; either you like me or you don’t; either I’m going to invest feelings in you or I’m not; either I’m going to get attached or I’m not. Plain and simple. Therefore, if you don’t like me then tell me, so I don’t invest feelings in you or get attached to you. This is just how I’ve taught myself to be over the years. Some people have referred to me as a “bitch” and “cold” – while it appears that I’m “cold-hearted”, it’s really just my defense mechanism. In essence, I’m really just too emotional to “revisit” old relationships because I’m the type of person who will hang on to every last thread of hope and possibility if there were still a chance. This can be unhealthy and extreme, but I’ve spent too many years of my adult life hanging on to lost causes, so this is the alternative – move on, let go, don’t look back because there’s a reason why things didn’t work out in the first place.

I wish I would’ve been cognizant of this last week before doing what I did. Usually, I try not to let my heart rule my head, but this time that didn’t work. I was feeling lonely and misunderstood, so I went back to what used to be “comfortable” for me, thinking that I could change the past, reconnect with a person I used to date, who I think didn’t get the chance he deserved because of other problems at the time, and repair what we once had. It turns that we actually can return to people in our past, but it’s rarely a good idea. Especially if you’re feeling vulnerable and needy – again, I just want to go back to last week and redo everything I did. I hate being vulnerable and weak, and letting people know that you “miss them” or that you “would like to see them”. Barf. They just take advantage of their position and use it against you – usually as some sort of vindication. Trust me, I’ve been there - I know how these games work. So, in the end, I ended up feeling even more rejected then when it all began.

Ugh.

I’m totally just rambling and my thoughts aren’t even making sense.

This time last year, I was dating a guy and he basically told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was ready to fall in love with someone. At the time, this freaked me out and made me nervous. However, during my time of reflection, I thought about him and how everything came so naturally with us.  He always made me laugh.  We could relax, chill and smoke with a bottle of wine . . . basically, just let loose.  To this day I can't hear a Coheed and Cambria  song without thinking about him . . . he was someone I felt safe with and I miss how easy it was to be with him - hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?. But at that time I was on an emotional roller coaster due to other things going on in my life and I felt I couldn’t give him what he deserved – or the love he was so open to giving me. I just couldn’t do it. In January we started dating again. After getting me roses for Valentine's Day and taking me to dinner, we got into the car and he played "Wake Up" by Coheed and said, "this is totally cheesy, but I can't help it." We stopped talking again because of reasons that I will never be able to justify or explain to him. I knew he was hurt and over the summer I sent him a FB message with the link to "wake up" and all he said was, "good song."

And now . . . this all brings us to what took place this past week when I reached out to him again. I don't know what it is about this particular guy, but he makes me break all of my rules. The third time is definitely not a charm, and I got what I deserved and expected. He said he wants to see me too, but just as friends. That's sweet.

In the end, we all get what we deserve.

" . . . So leave yourself intact 'cause I won't be coming back, in a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you . . . "

I heart Ethan Hawke

Here's some Ethan Hawke love.  And an insight into my "type" of guy.

Ethan in Before Sunrise.

and this. Ethan in Reality Bites.

and this. Ethan in Great Expectations. 

and this. Ethan in Dead Poets Society.

dysfunction

I’m having a rough time with things and I’m really hurting today.

The weather fits my mood.

I have always put faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, the past couple months I've felt as though I’m falling down this dark hole and it’s getting more and more difficult to dig myself out.

I’ve always had difficulty opening up to people and there are way too many reasons for why I’m guarded. But that's beside the point. Today I’m hurting because I recently made myself vulnerable again. I invested feelings where I normally wouldn’t have, I extended invitations to events that I would've much rather gone to alone - and will be going alone anyway, regardless. However, that’s not the point. The point is, while my old ways of dealing with emotions and love are unhealthy (I’ll be the first to admit), it’s far better than the alternative and what I’m feeling now.

I’ve always thought the following quote by Marilyn Monroe was fitting even though it suggests a very lonely and depressing existence:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.”

Well, I didn’t do that this time . . . I kissed, believed and I was left. I know that there may have been circumstances beyond my control or things weren’t going the way that I had seen them going, but either way it still kinda sucks when the shoe is on the other foot. And I’ve been wearing this shoe for a long time.

People in my life have a hard time believing that guys don’t want to date me and when I try to explain that I'm "different", they think I'm exaggerating. But I know I'm not. Plus, due to recent events - apparently there really IS something different about me that isn't appealing.  This time I felt comfortable being "me" and it still didn't work. I think I’m running out of options. I suppose I need a new technique. This time it felt oddly "right", but maybe that's because I wanted it to be be right . . . who knows?

I guess I’m just having a hard time deciphering all these thoughts (let alone the recent develops that have taken place in the past 2 days) and needed to get it all out.

In the end, it’s all dysfunctional anyway, right?

To PhD or Not to PhD

In recent months, I’ve really started to miss the world of academia and have been longing to be a student again. While I have a full-time job at an organization that I love and feel passionately about – I have to admit that I’m not as passionate about what I’m actually doing. I’ve been looking for jobs in different fields but have had very little success. I’m growing more and more frustrated with my current career status and I can't help but I think about where I want to be. Granted, I always have a different scenario on what I’d like to be doing – but the one thing that has always been consistent is that I envision myself getting a PhD.

Throughout my Master’s program (2007-2009) I saw myself continuing with my research and going straight to a doctorate program. I started studying for the GRE and considering which program/school I would like to attend and how much funding I’d need. During the last semester of graduate school while I was finishing my thesis, I started a full-time job, which is where I still currently work. As time went on the idea of continuing for my PhD fell to the wayside. Inevitably, I like making money and having a regular schedule where I’m not up until 3am staring at a book or computer screen; I enjoy having a life and going out with my friends; I like not being a stress-ball and an insane overachiever; I enjoy reading books that aren’t required reading. So after defending my thesis, I was so exhausted that I didn’t even want to think about spending another year (let alone 5 or more years) in graduate school working on a dissertation.

While most of the above claims are still true, I’m now wondering if it might be the right time to enter the world of academia again. But I can’t seem to decide - and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really know if it will be worth it in the end or if it’s because I can’t make up my mind. I know that getting a PhD will prove my competence in conducting research and analyzing data. I know that I will do my best and succeed. But does this make sense? Do I need a PhD to do what I want to do? What exactly is it that I want to do? Do I want to be a professor? Sure, I can easily see myself doing that – but will I be able to find a job?

I saved this illustration a while ago and remembered it today when I decided to write this entry.  After taking into consideration the time, energy, money spent on working toward a PhD and seeing the result in what is actually achieved – does it seem worthwhile? I still don’t know – maybe I just need a vacation . . . or a new job?

To ponder: What is waiting for me in the direction I don’t take? – Jack Kerouac

beauty

I came across this picture today and it really hit home for me. As someone who has always struggled with perfection and external expectations - it's true that it's always what's on the inside that matters most. All I need to do is remember this on a daily basis.

Fashion Crisis

I emailed my supervisor this morning with “I’m running late, I’ll be in by 9:30.” When I got into the office, I had an email from him saying, “No problem.” I then replied, “I didn’t want to tell you that it was because I was having a fashion crisis. But it was because I was having a fashion crisis. Lame.” He walked into my office and was like, “so let’s see.”

I hate days like today when I’m attempting to look cute and I just feel like I totally missed the mark. I have on a navy blue shirtdress, belted at the waist with a brown belt, a brown blazer and a teal and navy blue scarf. If you can envision this, I’m sure you might be thinking “super cute” - at least that’s what I hope you might be thinking. In fact, I was thinking the same thing this morning, but now I just feel like crap. A bad outfit can quite easily ruin one’s day.

I always seem to have fashion crises when I’m getting ready for work. I have this problem because I like to look nice, I like to dress up and be fashionable (or at least try to be), but most of the females I work with are pretty casual in their attire. So, when I wear heels or a cute outfit, everyone’s immediate response is – “do you have a meeting today?” or “what’s the occasion?” Really?! Can’t I just look nice because I want to? Does it really have to be for a reason?

So, this morning I thought about wearing this shirtdress – it’s a little short considering it’s from when I was in 8th grade and I’m now 28 yrs old (that’s wrong for more than one reason), but no one would ever know by looking at it. It’s kind of baggy, so I decided to belt it – super cute, right? Well, then I thought – it is fall, my favorite time of year, and I have yet to bust out my boots. So, I try on my brown knee-high boots with the outfit and I’m thinking “Ok, this is freaking adorable!” But then there was a split second when I thought - people at work are going to think I look overdressed or like a hooker because I’m wearing boots without leggings or tights. So, I chuck the boots and put on my nude heels. As I’m walking out the door with coffee and keys in hand, I take the nude heels off and try on my silver flats – at which point, I have to take the brown belt off and put on the silver belt and take off the brown blazer. I look in the mirror and the outfit no longer looks "freaking adorable" but "sad and miserable". So, I put the brown belt and brown blazer back on and swap the silver flats for caramel wedges and say “fuck it, let them think whatever they want to think.”

So, to make a long fashion story short – I’m wearing an outfit, when worn on the weekend or out to dinner with my friends would be completely appropriate and adorable, however at work I feel out of place, to say the least.

resurrected

It's been nearly a year and while so much has transpired, reading these previous posts, I realize that I haven't changed much. That's reassuring and startling at the same time. I always feel like I'm this ever-changing being, but I've come to accept the person I am with each passing day and with each experience.

". . . I've never known the lovin' of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand . . ."

This song resonates with me at the moment.

A very sweet friend left me a card on my desk this morning and inside she wrote the following quote:

"Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others? We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we are deserving of love. We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too. To be who we are means to accept our past - our history - exactly as it is. To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions, our beliefs, and our mistakes - for the present moment and subject to changes. We accept our limitations and our strengths. To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are means we take acceptance on step further. Being who we are, loving, and accepting ourselves is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change." - From The Language of Letting Go - Daily Motivations