To PhD or Not to PhD

In recent months, I’ve really started to miss the world of academia and have been longing to be a student again. While I have a full-time job at an organization that I love and feel passionately about – I have to admit that I’m not as passionate about what I’m actually doing. I’ve been looking for jobs in different fields but have had very little success. I’m growing more and more frustrated with my current career status and I can't help but I think about where I want to be. Granted, I always have a different scenario on what I’d like to be doing – but the one thing that has always been consistent is that I envision myself getting a PhD.

Throughout my Master’s program (2007-2009) I saw myself continuing with my research and going straight to a doctorate program. I started studying for the GRE and considering which program/school I would like to attend and how much funding I’d need. During the last semester of graduate school while I was finishing my thesis, I started a full-time job, which is where I still currently work. As time went on the idea of continuing for my PhD fell to the wayside. Inevitably, I like making money and having a regular schedule where I’m not up until 3am staring at a book or computer screen; I enjoy having a life and going out with my friends; I like not being a stress-ball and an insane overachiever; I enjoy reading books that aren’t required reading. So after defending my thesis, I was so exhausted that I didn’t even want to think about spending another year (let alone 5 or more years) in graduate school working on a dissertation.

While most of the above claims are still true, I’m now wondering if it might be the right time to enter the world of academia again. But I can’t seem to decide - and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really know if it will be worth it in the end or if it’s because I can’t make up my mind. I know that getting a PhD will prove my competence in conducting research and analyzing data. I know that I will do my best and succeed. But does this make sense? Do I need a PhD to do what I want to do? What exactly is it that I want to do? Do I want to be a professor? Sure, I can easily see myself doing that – but will I be able to find a job?

I saved this illustration a while ago and remembered it today when I decided to write this entry.  After taking into consideration the time, energy, money spent on working toward a PhD and seeing the result in what is actually achieved – does it seem worthwhile? I still don’t know – maybe I just need a vacation . . . or a new job?

To ponder: What is waiting for me in the direction I don’t take? – Jack Kerouac

beauty

I came across this picture today and it really hit home for me. As someone who has always struggled with perfection and external expectations - it's true that it's always what's on the inside that matters most. All I need to do is remember this on a daily basis.

Fashion Crisis

I emailed my supervisor this morning with “I’m running late, I’ll be in by 9:30.” When I got into the office, I had an email from him saying, “No problem.” I then replied, “I didn’t want to tell you that it was because I was having a fashion crisis. But it was because I was having a fashion crisis. Lame.” He walked into my office and was like, “so let’s see.”

I hate days like today when I’m attempting to look cute and I just feel like I totally missed the mark. I have on a navy blue shirtdress, belted at the waist with a brown belt, a brown blazer and a teal and navy blue scarf. If you can envision this, I’m sure you might be thinking “super cute” - at least that’s what I hope you might be thinking. In fact, I was thinking the same thing this morning, but now I just feel like crap. A bad outfit can quite easily ruin one’s day.

I always seem to have fashion crises when I’m getting ready for work. I have this problem because I like to look nice, I like to dress up and be fashionable (or at least try to be), but most of the females I work with are pretty casual in their attire. So, when I wear heels or a cute outfit, everyone’s immediate response is – “do you have a meeting today?” or “what’s the occasion?” Really?! Can’t I just look nice because I want to? Does it really have to be for a reason?

So, this morning I thought about wearing this shirtdress – it’s a little short considering it’s from when I was in 8th grade and I’m now 28 yrs old (that’s wrong for more than one reason), but no one would ever know by looking at it. It’s kind of baggy, so I decided to belt it – super cute, right? Well, then I thought – it is fall, my favorite time of year, and I have yet to bust out my boots. So, I try on my brown knee-high boots with the outfit and I’m thinking “Ok, this is freaking adorable!” But then there was a split second when I thought - people at work are going to think I look overdressed or like a hooker because I’m wearing boots without leggings or tights. So, I chuck the boots and put on my nude heels. As I’m walking out the door with coffee and keys in hand, I take the nude heels off and try on my silver flats – at which point, I have to take the brown belt off and put on the silver belt and take off the brown blazer. I look in the mirror and the outfit no longer looks "freaking adorable" but "sad and miserable". So, I put the brown belt and brown blazer back on and swap the silver flats for caramel wedges and say “fuck it, let them think whatever they want to think.”

So, to make a long fashion story short – I’m wearing an outfit, when worn on the weekend or out to dinner with my friends would be completely appropriate and adorable, however at work I feel out of place, to say the least.

resurrected

It's been nearly a year and while so much has transpired, reading these previous posts, I realize that I haven't changed much. That's reassuring and startling at the same time. I always feel like I'm this ever-changing being, but I've come to accept the person I am with each passing day and with each experience.

". . . I've never known the lovin' of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand . . ."

This song resonates with me at the moment.

A very sweet friend left me a card on my desk this morning and inside she wrote the following quote:

"Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others? We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we are deserving of love. We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too. To be who we are means to accept our past - our history - exactly as it is. To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions, our beliefs, and our mistakes - for the present moment and subject to changes. We accept our limitations and our strengths. To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are means we take acceptance on step further. Being who we are, loving, and accepting ourselves is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change." - From The Language of Letting Go - Daily Motivations

haiku

sitting, killing time
my thoughts always go to you
and still, you don't know

my relationship with music

I've always considered myself to be a bit different than a lot of people I know. Not in the "I'm a real weirdo" kind of way, but partly because I'm a little complex and it's particularly difficult finding people to relate to. Even when I was younger I felt as though I didn't relate to a lot of my peers even though I had a lot of friends. I have vivid memories from when I was probably 8 or 9 years old, sitting in the woods in my backyard with a notebook writing about God knows what.  In junior high, I would spend hours in my room listening to music and memorizing lyrics, specifically every word to Don McLean's "american pie". To this day I know every word to this song because I listened to it on repeat making sure I deciphered each word exactly right. I never felt "alone" even though I may have been physically alone because I had the comfort of music and words. I would write stories and poems (which I still have) and listen to music on repeat and identify with the lyrics.

That girl is who I still resonate with to this day. She is still at the core of who I really am.
For as long as I can remember music has seriously helped me get through my days. From a young age I have always used music as a way to understand and feel connected to my thoughts and feelings. The first thing I do when I wake up, after starting the coffee, is I turn on music. Lately, I've chosen to listen to "Take to the Sky" or "Secret Spell" by Tori Amos, or on particularly slow-moving mornings "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles. Music helps me concentrate. It motivates me. It calms me down

I think my love for music has a lot to do with having a Dad as a DJ growing up. Music was always at my disposal since he started collecting vinyl when he was a teenager and continued to buy music through his career as a DJ. Growing up mostly anything I wanted to listen to he had available to me. I still hear stories about when I was baby, my Dad would play music when watching me and my sister, and we would just laugh and dance around the basement. As I got older this tradition has somewhat remained in tact. Some nights he and I will jam and listen to oldies - I just don't dance like I used to....well, sometimes I do, I'm not gonna lie. I swear my Dad is a walking musical encyclopedia. My favorite example was when I was driving home from work and I recognized a song on Magic 105.7 (a local Oldie's station) and I wanted to remember it so I could download it later. I of course forgot it, but I said to my Dad, "There's a song I heard on the radio, it's kinda slow-ish and I think there are three words in the title - C something C. Any idea?" My Dad quickly responds with "Crimson and Clover?" He was exactly right...just from my crappy description. He's pretty fantastic that way.

I'm like my father in the sense that I have A LOT of music, but I don't collect vinyl like he did growing up - I have CDs and mp3s. But it's still a similar hobby that we have in common.

This is my favorite scene from High Fidelity (besides the Bruce Springsteen scene) because I relate to is so much. I don't know how many times and how many hours have been spent organizing and then reorganizing my music. Like Rob says in this scene "it's comforting..."

But never have I organized my music autobiographically. Although in my early 20s I did try to keep a music diary as a way of remembering songs that I listened to at particular points in my life. I tried to go all the way back to elementary school...because yes, I still know that when I was 8 years old I used to make up dances to the song to "justified and ancient" by KLF. Anyway, the music journal/diary got all messy when I realized I was listening to a "2003 song" in 2009 for nostalgia purposes...how does one categorize that? Maybe as a re-visitation? I don't know...but, alas, the project fell through. Maybe I should consider resurrecting it.

you still got a secret spell

When people ask me what kind of music I like to listen to I'm always quick to say that I love classic rock (true) and that I love Bruce Springsteen (very true). But my iTunes will tell a very different story - it is a labyrinth of indecipherable confusion. However, I really do "love" Bruce Springsteen in the most honest, school-girl crush kinda way. His music "soothes me."  My love for Bruce is very, very different from my love for Tori. I only bring this up because I'm always hesitant to let people in on my love for Tori Amos because of my history and personal affiliation with her music. It's sort of my own secret relationship. In fact, I sometimes don't know who I would be if her music hadn't existed. She has been a huge musical hero and inspiration to me for most of my life. Her music has helped me through some of my darkest, darkest periods and each time it is her poetic, musical genius that pulls me through whatever secret prison I'm stuck in or pain I'm struggling with. I always feel liberated listening to her music. No matter how many times I listen to her songs, each time I discover a different message.

Secret Spell is one of the few songs that is resonating with me these days. (Putting the Damage On is the other...for several reasons.)

in one hand dreams a plenty
in her smile a secret spellthere have been disappointments
these she knows all too well
but you losing you
was not a part of this plan
so...
jumps at three tears at thirteen
just turn you around for
eighteen wheels in a high heel
turn you around
sold a dream at twenty three
turn you around
hold outyou still got your secret spell
at the heart of the matter
someone wove a secret spell
mixed with girl not so peaceful
angel and animal