To PhD or Not to PhD

In recent months, I’ve really started to miss the world of academia and have been longing to be a student again. While I have a full-time job at an organization that I love and feel passionately about – I have to admit that I’m not as passionate about what I’m actually doing. I’ve been looking for jobs in different fields but have had very little success. I’m growing more and more frustrated with my current career status and I can't help but I think about where I want to be. Granted, I always have a different scenario on what I’d like to be doing – but the one thing that has always been consistent is that I envision myself getting a PhD.

Throughout my Master’s program (2007-2009) I saw myself continuing with my research and going straight to a doctorate program. I started studying for the GRE and considering which program/school I would like to attend and how much funding I’d need. During the last semester of graduate school while I was finishing my thesis, I started a full-time job, which is where I still currently work. As time went on the idea of continuing for my PhD fell to the wayside. Inevitably, I like making money and having a regular schedule where I’m not up until 3am staring at a book or computer screen; I enjoy having a life and going out with my friends; I like not being a stress-ball and an insane overachiever; I enjoy reading books that aren’t required reading. So after defending my thesis, I was so exhausted that I didn’t even want to think about spending another year (let alone 5 or more years) in graduate school working on a dissertation.

While most of the above claims are still true, I’m now wondering if it might be the right time to enter the world of academia again. But I can’t seem to decide - and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really know if it will be worth it in the end or if it’s because I can’t make up my mind. I know that getting a PhD will prove my competence in conducting research and analyzing data. I know that I will do my best and succeed. But does this make sense? Do I need a PhD to do what I want to do? What exactly is it that I want to do? Do I want to be a professor? Sure, I can easily see myself doing that – but will I be able to find a job?

I saved this illustration a while ago and remembered it today when I decided to write this entry.  After taking into consideration the time, energy, money spent on working toward a PhD and seeing the result in what is actually achieved – does it seem worthwhile? I still don’t know – maybe I just need a vacation . . . or a new job?

To ponder: What is waiting for me in the direction I don’t take? – Jack Kerouac

beauty

I came across this picture today and it really hit home for me. As someone who has always struggled with perfection and external expectations - it's true that it's always what's on the inside that matters most. All I need to do is remember this on a daily basis.

Fashion Crisis

I emailed my supervisor this morning with “I’m running late, I’ll be in by 9:30.” When I got into the office, I had an email from him saying, “No problem.” I then replied, “I didn’t want to tell you that it was because I was having a fashion crisis. But it was because I was having a fashion crisis. Lame.” He walked into my office and was like, “so let’s see.”

I hate days like today when I’m attempting to look cute and I just feel like I totally missed the mark. I have on a navy blue shirtdress, belted at the waist with a brown belt, a brown blazer and a teal and navy blue scarf. If you can envision this, I’m sure you might be thinking “super cute” - at least that’s what I hope you might be thinking. In fact, I was thinking the same thing this morning, but now I just feel like crap. A bad outfit can quite easily ruin one’s day.

I always seem to have fashion crises when I’m getting ready for work. I have this problem because I like to look nice, I like to dress up and be fashionable (or at least try to be), but most of the females I work with are pretty casual in their attire. So, when I wear heels or a cute outfit, everyone’s immediate response is – “do you have a meeting today?” or “what’s the occasion?” Really?! Can’t I just look nice because I want to? Does it really have to be for a reason?

So, this morning I thought about wearing this shirtdress – it’s a little short considering it’s from when I was in 8th grade and I’m now 28 yrs old (that’s wrong for more than one reason), but no one would ever know by looking at it. It’s kind of baggy, so I decided to belt it – super cute, right? Well, then I thought – it is fall, my favorite time of year, and I have yet to bust out my boots. So, I try on my brown knee-high boots with the outfit and I’m thinking “Ok, this is freaking adorable!” But then there was a split second when I thought - people at work are going to think I look overdressed or like a hooker because I’m wearing boots without leggings or tights. So, I chuck the boots and put on my nude heels. As I’m walking out the door with coffee and keys in hand, I take the nude heels off and try on my silver flats – at which point, I have to take the brown belt off and put on the silver belt and take off the brown blazer. I look in the mirror and the outfit no longer looks "freaking adorable" but "sad and miserable". So, I put the brown belt and brown blazer back on and swap the silver flats for caramel wedges and say “fuck it, let them think whatever they want to think.”

So, to make a long fashion story short – I’m wearing an outfit, when worn on the weekend or out to dinner with my friends would be completely appropriate and adorable, however at work I feel out of place, to say the least.