haiku

sitting, killing time
my thoughts always go to you
and still, you don't know

my relationship with music

I've always considered myself to be a bit different than a lot of people I know. Not in the "I'm a real weirdo" kind of way, but partly because I'm a little complex and it's particularly difficult finding people to relate to. Even when I was younger I felt as though I didn't relate to a lot of my peers even though I had a lot of friends. I have vivid memories from when I was probably 8 or 9 years old, sitting in the woods in my backyard with a notebook writing about God knows what.  In junior high, I would spend hours in my room listening to music and memorizing lyrics, specifically every word to Don McLean's "american pie". To this day I know every word to this song because I listened to it on repeat making sure I deciphered each word exactly right. I never felt "alone" even though I may have been physically alone because I had the comfort of music and words. I would write stories and poems (which I still have) and listen to music on repeat and identify with the lyrics.

That girl is who I still resonate with to this day. She is still at the core of who I really am.
For as long as I can remember music has seriously helped me get through my days. From a young age I have always used music as a way to understand and feel connected to my thoughts and feelings. The first thing I do when I wake up, after starting the coffee, is I turn on music. Lately, I've chosen to listen to "Take to the Sky" or "Secret Spell" by Tori Amos, or on particularly slow-moving mornings "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles. Music helps me concentrate. It motivates me. It calms me down

I think my love for music has a lot to do with having a Dad as a DJ growing up. Music was always at my disposal since he started collecting vinyl when he was a teenager and continued to buy music through his career as a DJ. Growing up mostly anything I wanted to listen to he had available to me. I still hear stories about when I was baby, my Dad would play music when watching me and my sister, and we would just laugh and dance around the basement. As I got older this tradition has somewhat remained in tact. Some nights he and I will jam and listen to oldies - I just don't dance like I used to....well, sometimes I do, I'm not gonna lie. I swear my Dad is a walking musical encyclopedia. My favorite example was when I was driving home from work and I recognized a song on Magic 105.7 (a local Oldie's station) and I wanted to remember it so I could download it later. I of course forgot it, but I said to my Dad, "There's a song I heard on the radio, it's kinda slow-ish and I think there are three words in the title - C something C. Any idea?" My Dad quickly responds with "Crimson and Clover?" He was exactly right...just from my crappy description. He's pretty fantastic that way.

I'm like my father in the sense that I have A LOT of music, but I don't collect vinyl like he did growing up - I have CDs and mp3s. But it's still a similar hobby that we have in common.

This is my favorite scene from High Fidelity (besides the Bruce Springsteen scene) because I relate to is so much. I don't know how many times and how many hours have been spent organizing and then reorganizing my music. Like Rob says in this scene "it's comforting..."

But never have I organized my music autobiographically. Although in my early 20s I did try to keep a music diary as a way of remembering songs that I listened to at particular points in my life. I tried to go all the way back to elementary school...because yes, I still know that when I was 8 years old I used to make up dances to the song to "justified and ancient" by KLF. Anyway, the music journal/diary got all messy when I realized I was listening to a "2003 song" in 2009 for nostalgia purposes...how does one categorize that? Maybe as a re-visitation? I don't know...but, alas, the project fell through. Maybe I should consider resurrecting it.

you still got a secret spell

When people ask me what kind of music I like to listen to I'm always quick to say that I love classic rock (true) and that I love Bruce Springsteen (very true). But my iTunes will tell a very different story - it is a labyrinth of indecipherable confusion. However, I really do "love" Bruce Springsteen in the most honest, school-girl crush kinda way. His music "soothes me."  My love for Bruce is very, very different from my love for Tori. I only bring this up because I'm always hesitant to let people in on my love for Tori Amos because of my history and personal affiliation with her music. It's sort of my own secret relationship. In fact, I sometimes don't know who I would be if her music hadn't existed. She has been a huge musical hero and inspiration to me for most of my life. Her music has helped me through some of my darkest, darkest periods and each time it is her poetic, musical genius that pulls me through whatever secret prison I'm stuck in or pain I'm struggling with. I always feel liberated listening to her music. No matter how many times I listen to her songs, each time I discover a different message.

Secret Spell is one of the few songs that is resonating with me these days. (Putting the Damage On is the other...for several reasons.)

in one hand dreams a plenty
in her smile a secret spellthere have been disappointments
these she knows all too well
but you losing you
was not a part of this plan
so...
jumps at three tears at thirteen
just turn you around for
eighteen wheels in a high heel
turn you around
sold a dream at twenty three
turn you around
hold outyou still got your secret spell
at the heart of the matter
someone wove a secret spell
mixed with girl not so peaceful
angel and animal

little bee

I just finished Little Bee by Chris Cleave and thought it was really well written, a bit sad and extremely moving. When I first started the book I couldn’t put it down and that’s when I knew I was really going to enjoy it because even though I love to read, my mind wanders at a mile a minute thinking about all sorts of mindless things - all the things I should be doing, things I want to be doing, wishing I could read faster so I could get through my never ending “to read” list, etc, etc. etc. However with this book my mind didn’t wander at all. After reading more than half of it in one sitting, it would be an understatement to say the book engaged me.

If you’ve heard anything about Little Bee you will know that the back cover gives you very little information about what the story is actually about. In fact, the most (or should I say – the least) you get to know is that the lives of two women are changed when they first meet and two years later they meet again. Yep, that’s it. Having said that, I don’t really want to reinforce the marketing tactic of this book, but I honestly can’t think of a way to explain the story without giving it totally away - and I definitely don't want to do that.

I love the way it’s written. I enjoyed how the events overlapped and easily flowed between the two women's perspectives. It truly is a touching and profound story. At times it can be difficult to read, but I kinda like when books are bit disturbing and the characters are a little haunted or troubled. However, the spirit of this story is about overcoming hardships. One of my favorite quotes puts it beautifully -- "We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

hip hits

• nightswimming – r.e.m.

this song is so very simple and beautiful. if you want to feel like you are seventeen again – take a listen.

• no birds today – cowboy junkies
  

this song feels like a grey day in late October. murky and filled with melancholy. not much of a shock since these are classic elements for most cowboy junkies songs.

• oh my love – john lennon
  

it’s easy for me to relate to this song. one of my most favorite john lennon songs. however don’t quote me on this because i’m sure i’ll say this more than once about nearly every john lennon song.

• oh! sweet nuthin’ – velvet underground
  

if you haven’t listened to anything by the velvets, please make this your first VU listening experience. Now, if we’re talking about having a Lou Reed experience, may i suggest “rock and roll” or “sweet jane”, which, may I add, was beautifully covered by cowboy junkies.

• run this town – jay-z, rihanna, kanye

i have two very favorite parts in this marvelous song. the first: “I break the rules so I don't care, so I keep doing my own thing, walking tall against the rain”. it’s a bit of a personal motto. the second: "yeah i'm talkin' five comma, six zeros, dot zero."

so it begins

Not that there needs to be any explaining – but I would just like to state for the record that this is my 3rd blogging attempt over the last 5 years. One can only hope that the "third time’s a charm" theory actually applies...if not, mark this down as just another failed attempt. This time however, I’m going to stay positive because when I look back at my old blog (which, by the way, I deleted in order to revamp this new gem!) - I realized the timing was never right. Coupled with this, cult astrologist Susan Miller suggests that at the end of this month, a communication project will be highly creative for Geminis. So the timing is right, the stars have aligned...I suppose I'm giving the "third time's a charm" theory a run for its money!

Blog attempt numero uno was when I had just finished my undergraduate degree - circa 2006. I was full of fresh ideas and ambition, and honestly...I mostly had a lot of time on my hands since I was in that “what do I do now?” phase of my life. Then I started working and the blogging about the books I was reading, music I was listening to, movies I was watching, and the clothes I was wearing came to a halt.

Blog attempt numero dos should not even be referred to as an attempt. In fact, I think it would be more appropriate to categorize it as a pseudo blogging attempt. I had just finished my Master’s Degree (circa 2009) and my brain was fried after writing my thesis and the first thing I wanted to do was pick up a non-school related book, since I hadn’t read anything that wasn’t school related in about 2 years. This quasi attempt was successful until I realized that not only did I not want to read a thesis or school related book - I didn't want to read AT ALL!! My eyes were going to pop out of my head and my brain was mush and all I kept thinking was - "how can I blog about books if I'm not reading any?"

And that brings us to blog attempt numero tres, which I’m hoping is the most successful, partly because it's not coinciding with some academic time in my life. I’d like to think that this is the perfect timing because I’m settled with my job and my life (for the most part), and I’m not so overwhelmed that it wouldn’t be too difficult to post a little something each day (well, actually it will more likely be a couple times a week or a couple times a month...because, come on, let’s be realistic – I don’t want to start making promises I can’t keep!).

Most of the blogs I’ve read always say something like “this blog will be about me talking about...insert: my cats, my kids, my diet, being a mom, being a feminist, books, movies, music, fashion, being a democrat, being a republican, knitting, sports, taking pictures of myself and pretending I'm a model, cars, etc, etc, etc”. This blog might just encompass all these things, well..except for the kids, cats, cars, being a mom, taking pictures of myself and pretending I'm a fashion model, and being a republican. I’d like to think that I could somehow narrow down what may be posted here – buuuut I can’t. I like too many things (and HATE too many things) to be that specific. My mind races with random thoughts constantly, so it would be nonsense for me to specify what kind of blog this will become. Plus, I don't want to censor all that that fun stuff! In fact, I don’t want to put any limits on it and I’d like to think that I’ll end up surprising myself with the things that are written in here.

But here's what I can tell you...I do like books and music and fashion and making fun of reality TV. Oh, and I can also say that this will not be a diary, I have one of those already -- under my bed.

Stay tuned…