Five Friday Fundamentals

 i. Listening:  I’ve always gotten great satisfaction out of creating perfect Pandora stations.  Right now I have a few that I’ve been listening to frequently and which I think are truly exceptional.  1)Pharrell Radio – which is probably my favorite station to listen to in the morning when getting ready for work.  A little Robin Thicke, Outkast and Jay-Z always helps to get me started with my day. 2)The Spill Canvas Radio – which totally channels my “angsty” phase of life (circa 2007). Bands like: Taking Back Sunday, The Used and Something Corporate. Finally and most obviously 3)Beyoncé Radio – I mean, duh. I’m obsessed with Mrs. Carter.

This is what my computer sees today. 

 ii. Reading:  I started reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green a couple days ago and I already know I'll end up finishing it tonight.  I'm envisioning a glass of wine, reading and crying - since I already know it's going to have a sad ending.
 iii. Wearing:  As per usual for Casual Friday at work, I’m wearing jeans and a spring-y type top, since it’s nearly 80 degrees out.  Thank you Cleveland weather – I’m enjoying you these days.  
iv. Watching:  I’ve been enjoying Shark Tank and Dateline, as always.  However my newest obsession has been reruns of Will & Grace.   

v. Wanting:  To finally get cable in my apartment.  First they came on Tuesday, only to tell me that I needed to have a new cable cord installed, which was supposed to be yesterday.  However, the guy who came on Tuesday never submitted the work order, thus I spent a whole day waiting around for nothing.  Now I guess it’s going to be installed next Tuesday.  We shall see. 

New Beginning

I haven't written anything in a very looong time.  I know this time last year - actually more than a year ago, I said I would write more, but failed to keep that promise.  I can't even BEGIN to summarize all the changes that have taken place - both good and bad - between March 2013 and March 2014.  However, I did take some time today to look over this little blog of mine and I realized that once again, things haven't been so different.  It's not so much different seasons, just different surroundings. The major themes in my life are still the same, which I guess is good to know that a small piece of me still remains the same, during challenges and changes.

all packed

I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine with boxes surrounding me and a candle burning ... just thinking, almost on the verge of tears.  I'm both happy and sad to be moving.

I'm absolutely looking forward to a new "space".  I've needed a fresh start for a while now, so this might as well be it.  However, I'm also remembering all the "growing" that I did while living here.  Hell, it has been nearly 5 years of my life!  On the other hand, I'm looking forward to leaving the ghosts and memories behind even if they will remain with me, always and forever.  

I have very little documentation of my life over the last year and as someone who generally writes everything down, this may be the only place where I'll have an existing summary.  So ... quick summation.

The beginning of 2013 (February and March) brought a great new career opportunity into my life where I've grown so much professionally in just one year.  I'm working for an organization which is doing awesome things for people who are blind or living with low vision, and I work with (a few) people who are knowledgeable, energetic and a pleasure to be around.  I have to say that I fell into this position at the right time and the right place - I suppose all the stars aligned for me when this happened.  Some days are a challenge, but what job isn't, this is the real world right!? And if I didn't have a challenge and if it were the same every day - I would be BORED out of my mind.  Thankfully that is not the case.  

More good things came in 2013 (May - June - July).  I reconnected, after 12 years, with someone who has always been near and dear to my heart.  A childhood friend, who was quite possibly my first crush, my kiss and my first love ... all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into one human being.  Everything was perfect, almost as if it were "too good to be true", and maybe it was.  But the beginning of 2014 left us disjointed and questioning all that was happening in our "fairy tale" story.

So ... here I am. Trying to piece all the fallen pieces together.  

Don't get me wrong, I've been here before.  Its just never felt like this.  I truly do feel like a piece of me is broken and it cannot be fixed, no matter what I do.  I'm REALLY hoping that a new environment and living space will help, because honestly, some days I'll be sitting on the couch and just stare off into space, lost in some memory of when we'd laugh together in the kitchen or fight over bathroom time in the morning.  So ... being on my own for the last couple months has really been hard on me, I've tried to be away from home as much as possible.  

While I'm still hurt by everything that happened, I'm in a much better place.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about this.  I could very easily revert back to the guarded, angry, "ice-queen" phase in my my life, which I think I've referred to before in this blog.  However I can't do that, it's not fair to me or even the next person I meet.

Re-reading some entries earlier today I was reminded of how I've always questioned who "wins" when I'm guarded?  Is it really me?  Do I REALLY "win" by keeping people out? No, not at all. Is it healthy to be so independent, to really say that you're better off alone?  I don't think so.  I think it's more selfish to live that way and I'm reminded of what my Aunt has always told me after a breakup ... "keep your heart open."  And I will do just that. I know that something really good will come out of this because I now know what true love is - and maybe it wasn't right with us, but it was real.  I can honestly say I've never felt love like that before and if I have an opportunity to feel it again with someone else or someone I don't even know, then I look forward to that moment.  I'm looking forward to feeling just like a little girl again - excited about dates and kisses and everything that is supposed to give me butterflies.  I will not shut that out because I do deserve that.

When I started to write this blog entry I was thinking about how nothing has changed.  How I continue to invest in people and love people who don't love me as much ... how I'm alone ... how I'm more independent and more like "myself" because I'm alone.  But, after typing all these thoughts and feelings out I'm realizing I've grown a LOT more than I had originally thought.  I mean, am I still hurt? Yes.  Am I still finding myself giving more than what's given to me?  yes.  But I also think that's who I am ... I'm sensitive, so I feel more than other people.  I want to please everyone around me, so I'll do anything to make them happy.   Therefore, in the end ... that's just part of my make-up and that won't ever change. But my reaction to how I deal with these life situations, that can change and I see that it has.  

The past couple months I have delayed the "moving on" phase in hopes that something would happen, I really do hold onto every last ounce of hope.  However, in the last week I'd have to say that perspective has changed.  I'm OK with how things are.  We'll all eventually end up where we're meant to be and I know for me ... that means I'll be in a new space in less than a month and I'm really looking forward to that.

A true New Beginning.

So, I think it's time to delete this chapter and blog ... with hopes of opening a new one in the future.

Until then  ... I leave you with my "every day / feel good songs" (similar to my  "Roy Wood - Songs of Praise", circa 2010)

They don't need to see me crying

I'll get my little black dress on

And if I put on my favorite song

I'm gonna dance until you're all gone 

I'll get my little dress on

You came, lifted me up but then you dropped a hurricane

Now I'm fighting to find the ground again, to steady my feet 

Get up off my knees and just remember

That I am more than just somebody's puppet

I can find the cord and then I'll cut it

I stand a pretty good chance to dust myself off and dance  

Sara Barellies - Little Black Dress

Happy - Pharrell

  

Five Friday Fundamentals

In an attempt to start resurrecting my blog, I’m creating a new subset of recurring posts called Five Friday Fundamentals.  This is an effort to succinctly provide an overall snapshot of certain aspects of my week and/or daily life.

So here is the first installment of Five Friday Fundamentals and a glimpse into my world, at the moment.

 i. Listening:  Chris Pureka.  Especially the song 3 a.m, from her album Driving North. I must have cried every time I listened to it, when I first began listening to her. She is very similar to Patty Griffin, who I have adored for a very long time. Chris Pureka is folky, expressive and the lyrics are so hauntingly beautiful. “Oh, and these things I just want to tell you still, but you stopped listening, oh well, didn’t you? So maybe I should go get lost, or maybe I should go get drunk, or maybe I should just forget about you".
 ii. Reading:  I’m between books.
 iii. Wearing:  I’m brightening up my little corner of the world with this top in bright yellow from Banana Republic and a colorful scarf, with skinny jeans and nude pumps. I truly am loving and appreciating casual Fridays.    
iv. Watching:  These days I’ve been obsessed with Dr. Oz and The Dick Van Dyke Show, which despite it being so very ‘60s, the show is still smart and funny. Here’s an interesting blurb on the portrayal of feminism in the show. My Dick Van Dyke Show obsession goes back to December when I developed a huge crush on the adorably funny, Rob Petrie – any guy who can make laugh, will win my heart. For this reason, I think I need to date a comedian.

 v. Wanting:  To get my hair done … I'm in need for another change.

FYI - Coming Soon! A real blog entry … I promise.

A Certain Lady - Dorothy Parker

A Certain Lady by Dorothy Parker

Oh, I can smile for you, and tilt my head,
And drink your rushing words with eager lips,
And paint my mouth for you a fragrant red,
And trace your brows with tutored finger-tips.
When you rehearse your list of loves to me,
Oh, I can laugh and marvel, rapturous-eyed.
And you laugh back, nor can you ever see
The thousand little deaths my heart has died.
And you believe, so well I know my part,
That I am gay as morning, light as snow,
And all the straining things within my heart
You'll never know.

Oh, I can laugh and listen, when we meet,
And you bring tales of fresh adventurings, --
Of ladies delicately indiscreet,
Of lingering hands, and gently whispered things.
And you are pleased with me, and strive anew
To sing me sagas of your late delights.
Thus do you want me -- marveling, gay, and true,
Nor do you see my staring eyes of nights.
And when, in search of novelty, you stray,
Oh, I can kiss you blithely as you go ....
And what goes on, my love, while you're away,
You'll never know.

No Expectations in 2012

Before I moved out on my own I had a vision of owning a variety of the colored portraits of Andy Warhol with different quotes.  I loved the idea of having these colorful pictures hanging on the walls of my apartment.  In fact, when I did finally move out they were right at the top of the list to purchase . . . but sadly never bought.

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~ Andy Warhol

I first saw these when I was about 24 years old and for a while this one was my favorite one.  No, not just because it's pink (and believe it or not - one of my favorite colors) but because at the time this quote spoke to me.  I have always thought of myself as someone waiting for something - what, I don't exactly know - but I always thought how lovely it would feel when it finally did arrive.  As if a feeling of completeness would take over.  Lately I've been struggling with feeling incomplete.  I think this is a feeling that I've dealt with most of my life - it just came with my DNA.  It's kind of like your skin - its always a part of you, and yet you never really think about it.  

I no longer believe this quote to be true.  In fact, as of the end of December 2011 and moving into the year 2012, my motto and mantra have been "no expectations."  I've hurt myself too many times with wanting and/or waiting for something to happen, and realizing that it never will.  I admit that I do sometimes expect big things from people in my life and maybe having these expectations is what causes me to feel so shitty when they don't actually come true.  This exact instance happened at the end of 2011 and that was when I made the resolution-slash-mantra-slash-life-lesson to make the year 2012 the year of "no expectations."

Other things I'm working on include (but not limited to):

LEARN TO SAY NO
This isn't as much of a problem anymore as it used to be.  However, as a perpetual people pleaser, I never want to feel as though I'm letting someone down.  While I pride myself in being a good friend/daughter/employee/sister/cousin/etc., at some point boundaries need to be set and I'm getting to that place right now.  Like I mentioned previously - this used to be a bigger issue years ago when I never said "no" to anyone or anything, but gradually that fear of hurting others or causing conflict has diminished, and I feel more confident about respecting myself and my own capabilities.

EMBRACE WHAT YOU LOVE

This is a biggie for me.  I feel we all need to clear out more room to let love into our lives. This includes getting rid of things and people that you don't love and/or don't love you, and surround yourself in things that make you feel "at home".  I do love many things and just recently I've made it a priority to do what I love and to divulge in it fully.  I'm that kind of person who gets bored easily and sometimes when I start a project or hobby I generally end up quitting and it sits there unfinished.  However, I notice when I participate in doing the things I "love" - I feel prouder and better about myself.  Even the little things have helped in this effort.  I love to write - so I've been making more of an effort to write every day.  I would actually like to start using this blog as more of an outlet for my creativity, but every time I say I'm going to blog more, I never do - again with the "i get bored easily" trait.  I love to read - last year I made a goal of reading 50 pages a day.  I didn't really stick to that as  diligently as possible, but I did end up finishing the year with having read 26 books (roughly a book every 2 weeks).  This year I intend to do the same and maybe even read more! - I clearly have no life.  Finally, I love to listen to music - it calms me, it's an outlet when I can't express myself in ways that I would like to - so I try to surround myself with music as much as possible throughout the day.  Coupled with this, I love to dance - I dance in my apartment, alone, by myself, quiet often  . . .sort of along the lines of this clip right here  . . . (but minus the pom-poms - although I'm sure I still have my old ones somewhere at my parents house.)

"JUST BE YOU "
This might seem like a "no duh" kind of goal, but it's something that I remind myself to do every day. . . . "just be you. . . you don't have to be anyone but yourself . . and that is enough."  In fact, I have that as a sticky note on my bathroom mirror, along with another one that says "it was passion, not love." (but that's another story - maybe another entry?)  Anyway . . . I sometimes need  to remind myself that not everyone is going to like everything about me and that I don't need to always be doing things for other people.  I shouldn't be wasting energy or putting feelings and emotions where it isn't deserved or respected.  It's OK to do things my own way, to be a little different, to make mistakes, to fall down, to get back up just to screw it all up then to try and fix it again, and again, and again.  This is all part of growing and evolving, right?

Finally - for your listening pleasure . . . just discovered this gem today. 

Favorite Fictional Females: Katarina Stratford

This evening while I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite TV shows, The Gilmore Girls, I was thinking about all the fictional female characters that I identify with, admire, and pretty much have a girl-crush on. So, I was going to post all of them together, but decided to pay homage to each of them separately.

I'm not going to lie, I adore the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. For years I would ask for this movie as a present for either my birthday or Christmas, yet I still don't own it. You would think by now I'd just buy the damn movie for myself, since it's probably like less than ten bucks.  However, I'm now wondering if I don't love it as much as I think I do, or possibly I don't want to ruin my nostalgia with it.

I remember years ago one of my cousins telling me that I reminded her of Kat.  Maybe because she's a feminist, hates high school, loves music and drives a vintage car?  Who knows?  But I'm definitely not as tough or bad-ass as Kat, although I do love her strong character and can identify with her uniqueness and being unafraid to stand up for who she is. Maybe that's what my cousin was referring to with me?

I love that she's sarcastic . . . "I want you, I need you. Oh, baby. Oh, baby." 

She's opinionated and will speak what's on her mind.

Kat:  Romantic?  Hemingway? He was an abusive alcoholic, misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers. 

Joey:  As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous hag who has no friends?

Kat:  I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.  What about Sylvia Plath, or Charlotte Bronte, or Simone de Beauvior? 

Patrick:  What'd I miss?

Kat:  The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.

And here is Kat casually and adorably reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. One of my very favorite books, too. 

I can identify with her commitment to being herself and not following the crowd.  This is something that I've worked extremely hard at through the years.  It's taken me a long time (longer than I'd like to admit) to learn to love myself for who I am and it's finally good to be at a place where I can say, "I don't have to be like you.  I'm me and if you don't like me for who I am or the person I've become, then that's not my fault."

Lastly, Kat is not like most of her female peers who are boy-obsessed.  While she does get involved with Patrick in the end, she makes it clear throughout most of the movie that she doesn't need to be rescued.  I love this for many reasons.  I float between the extremes of needing/wanting someone in my life and then not wanting anyone at all because "I'm independent and I don't 'need' anyone."  It really depends on the day and how I'm feeling.  Most days I could care less about having a relationship or someone in my life because it just causes heartache and I'm tired of feeling rejected (this goes back to the whole trying to love myself thing.  It's hard when people keep finding things wrong with you.)  It's such a vicious cycle - you get close with someone, you get burned, and then you put the walls up again.  Who am I really protecting?  Me or am I keeping people from getting too close to me?  Probably both. It's a struggle that I've dealt with for years.   Just last night I had a thought that I'm probably better off alone because I can be hard to handle at times - kinda like Kat.    

The Matter - Kim Addonizio

The Matter - Kim Addonizio

Some men break your heart in two…
—Dorothy Parker, “Experience”

Some men carry you to bed with your boots on.
Some men say your name like a verbal tic.
Some men slap on an emotional surcharge for every erotic encounter.
Some men are slightly mentally ill, and thinking of joining a gym.
Some men have moved on and can’t be seduced, even in the dream bars you meet them in.
Some men who were younger are now the age you were then.
Some men aren’t content with mere breakage, they’ve got to burn you to the ground.
Some men you’ve reduced to ashes are finally dusting themselves off.
Some men are made of fiberglass.
Some men have deep holes drilled in by a war, you can’t fill them.
Some men are delicate and torn.
Some men will steal your bracelet if you let them spend the night.
Some men will want to fuck your poems, and instead they will find you.
Some men will say, “I’d like to see how you look when you come,” and then hail a cab.
Some men are a list of ingredients with no recipe.
Some men never see you.
Some men will blindfold you during sex, then secretly put on high heels.
Some men will try on your black fishnet stockings in a hotel in Rome, or Saran Wrap you
to a bedpost in New Orleans.
Some of these men will be worth trying to keep.
Some men will write smugly condescending reviews of your work, making you remember
these lines by Frank O’Hara:
I cannot possibly think of you/other than you are: the assassin/ of my orchards.
Some men, let’s face it, really are too small.
Some men are too large, but it’s not usually a deal breaker.
Some men don’t have one at all.
Some men will slap you in a way you’ll like.
Some men will want to crawl inside you to die.
Some men never clean up the matter.
Some men hand you their hearts like leaflets,
and some men’s hearts seem to circle forever: you catch sight of them on clear nights,
bright dots among the stars, and wait for their orbits to decay, for them to fall to earth.